The funniest thing about what I've been going through lately is this. Here I am, brave enough to take on the world as a musician, a debater, without a care about how big and invincible the odds may be, yet at the same time, I lack the courage to do something as seemingly tiny as ask a girl out for a date. A fool...that is how I feel, a lovestruck fool.
Much has happened since I last posted, both personal and not so personal. I really do not care to go into the details. Just to graze upon the surface, I found a darling of a friend, made many new ones, unraveled some deep and painful secrets within my family, and fell flat into the troubles of the lovesick. Hahaha...yeah, typical teenage stuff.
Sometimes, I wonder why on earth do I have to be so different... why do I always have to be so opinionated and headstrong about my values and judgement? why can't I be like everyone else, accepting, conforming? Being different , rebellious may sound glorified and all, but the truth of it is that it really wears a person down, drains them of their last drop of energy, and for what? Nothing, because at the end of it, we're only tiny pebbles in an ocean too large to imagine.
Yet, even though I know this, I still do not stop... I still do not change my ways, as foolish and hopeless as they may seem. Why?
I am different. Its just that. People hate different, its an inborn nature of humankind. I hate being different. I hate having to grasp in the dark, hate being so alone at times, hate fighting a war while everyone watches me as if I were a madman, with no direction and purpose in life.
The truth is, I do not want to fight no longer... I have never wanted to fight. I wish to stop, lie down, and rest. Settling down may give rise to fear in most people, but to me it would be a blessed gift. I am tired of this life, this veiled illusions, this pretense of living. I wish for escape, wish for the things I hold dear in my heart. A life away from all this...far far away. I would go, with my beloved at my side, to where the hills stand proud, where there is only nature, where the air is pure and clean, where the water runs clear and sweet, where the only sounds are those of birds, and the critters of the green woods. In my heart, I know this dream is a long, arduous path away from here, if it exists at all.
To get there, i am going to have to fight on... though I am more likely to die before I can even see those pure shores.
For I am nothing...except a crazed man, who follows angels and dreams, instead of the physical life. And I will die the same way I live.... different.

8:23
Gotta get a grip on this,
screaming in your stupid face,
i gotta get a grip on me,
before i go fuck myself again....

Stop sitting around there,
looking as if its my fault,
stop making me so paranoid,
too fucking scared to turn my back....

hunt, hunt, hunting me and you ..down...

can you hear me?
i'm tearin it ...
tearing it all....
all down...

whenever i try work,
these bloody hands don't move,
cause there's no goddamned point,
nothing's good enough for you...

look,look...look at me now...now...

so, turn your back...
do what you always do...
don't look back...
to hell with you...

Holyneva

Take me aside,
dear goddess...
take me inside,
give me salvation,

or kill me now,
dear mistress...
please beat me down,
give me punishment..

chorus
take my hand...
hail my end...
Set me free,
i need this...

you're tomorrow...
sweet temptress...
rid my sorrow,
rid my cold burden...

clip my tired wings,
dear lover...
end my suffering,
end this fake state of being.......

I'm Haunted.

Conversations that keep playing,

over and over again,

words upon words that i just keep hearin,

they drive me insane

Nothing i do seems to be helping,

i can't drive these voices away,

sometimes, I just feel like running,

I just want to run away,

Just leave me alone,

I don't wanna know,

Don't tell me where to go,

Just leave me alone.

How long will it keep coming,

to kill me inside,

I'm so tired of trying,

to hold it all inside

The Road To Nowhere

On the road again,

I'm trying to escape from everything.

From a world of pain,

And I'm not sure where it is I'm going,

In my car again,

I see your face everywhere I go,

I close my eyes,

your face permeates everything i know..

I'm on my own,

But I'm not alright,

I hate being alone,

Hate it when you're right...

I'm alone again,

so alone in my car and no destination,

so tired of this pain,

i lie alone in sorrow seeking resolution...

The Missing

He's giving himself in,

sold his soul for a penny,

the devil's calling him,

from where he's sitting.

They're like dead men walking,

can't come back to the living,

They search but it's missing,

Death that's so close it's almost touching

Coz We are the missing...

Souls that keep bleeding...

we're all missing...

She cries for the thing's she ain't got,

she bows down to the false god,

no one thinks on their own no more,

no one's satisfied with what they have...

Take a touch, a taste of something much bigger than ourselves... and the feeling that comes is unexpected. Fragility accompanied by gratefulness... appreciation for how precious we all are, and how tiny.

another guitarist pose 

This Is A Brilliant Work Of Art....Not by Me, though 

Yo, the Uber-guitaris 

I know I have been a rather big slob lately, with about as punctual as a sloth...its just that I just can't get my ass to type something in here. Anyways, a lot has happened since I last posted an entry. Perhaps I should start with the Intercampus debates in my college and all the baggage that came with it. My modem is being a real asshole by the way...doesn't want to stay connected.
Anyway, the debates..... basically the one thing that has kept me in college these past year... my love for the debating club of my college. It's not just that I love debating, but also the quality companionship that i discovered among my fellow debaters and debater wannabes... they are all such wonderful people. The kind of people you would never expect to find in the dump of a college that I go to. Special, unique individuals who are great to have as friends...I'm really going to miss them once I leave at the end of the year.
Anyway, I've really been giving a lot to debating... been working my ass off to improve myself, and I really feel like I have come a long way, from the days of a fierce, flustered speaker with no self-restrain, i have learned how to time myself, organize my speeches, and have a better grasp of the various concepts of debating. That's what you get from debating for hours everyday. But mostly it's the company. The wonderful, wonderful company... of course, it helps that a number of them are females...but very, VERY interesting young women, I have to say... like I said earlier, they are all special.
I'm not paying RM90 each month for an unreliable connection!!!
One of them is a young woman from accounting... I won't tell any names, but I think I might be more than a little attracted to her. First of all, I find her unusual in many ways. She is very interesting, with many many quirks, but one thing that really hook me was her courage. I think she is very brave, braver than most people I know. WHy? I won't say why here...too risky. She also happens to be one of the sweetest and nicest people I have met, but then again, that applies to all of them.
Back to the actual debating...I managed to make it to the final of the intercampus, just liek last year...except that I had a much stronger team and this time I was at the forefront as team leader, a truly wonderful experience, even though we lost at the final.
I have to say that the debates was by far the most fulfilling and enlightening time I have had in my life, besides being with my beloved.
Oh, by the way, a small little thingy...i'm curently taking my finals.
Back to the important stuff.... my music ventures...
Well, basically, i haven't been practicing that much...nowhere near as much as I would like to...but I just haven't got the time to do it yet...I should, though, once my finals are over.
I can't take any more of this fucking connection!!! It's driving me nuts!!
Ah..well..i guess this is it for now...i'll try to be back soon....

ah screw it...trying to think of something to type here butcan't quite figure out what. In any case, did I mention that I'm trying to pick up the art of music...and by music I mean the guitar? Well, I am...

This world is such a complicated place. I know that is an understatement. Human beings are complicated creatures, and that is what makes us different from other living things. It is not our conscience or rational or sense of philosophy and reflection, but the fact that we are all so fucking messed up inside is what makes us special. Our thought processes are nothing more than a step in a particular direction in an evolutionary sense, a step that any animal might have taken.
No, no...that's not what makes us stand out. We have something else that no other creaturess possess......the amazing ability to fuck ourselves up, and i mean it purely in the metaphorical sense. This has nothing to do with asexual reproduction. People are all brilliant at one thing and that is to create their own problems for themselves and dig their own graves.
There must be a gene inside us that, when activated, tells us complicate matters as much as possible. We have all kinds of shit that we don't need in life.... like power, religion, race, money, and a whole load of crap.
Why the fuck do we all crave power? Why does a lawyer want to make partner, why do politicians wage wars? When there is power in a person's hand, it only seems to make them want more. Power over other people, other living creatures.
Here we are, in all our arrogance, debating on whether or not we should stop animal testing. Fuck, who do we think we are? We say that we chouldn't stop performing tests on animals because it brings a lot of benefits to us humans... hell, if it is so important, why not just test it on ourselves? WHy do people act with authority over others, when they know that others don't really want it and would feel better without it? Why do bosses like to push their workers around as if they had the right to do so? Why do some people act so self righteous and command others to live the way they want to?
And the thing about religion and race....that is just so darn messed up. We fight wars becuase of religion, kill each other because of religion, destroy lives because of religion and race. What's the whole point? Why have these two things in the first place? If we can allow different groups to have different faiths, why can't we just allo every single individuals to have their own personal beliefs without intruding and disrespecting them? Faith should be a private thing, yes? It shouldn't be preached or judged right? So, why do some of us tell other people that their faith is wrong? that their god/gods are wrong? Why the fuck do preachers exist?
Then we have money...the root of all evil that is nonetheless held in high honour by mankind. Can someone please explain this big fat joke to me? cause I simply can't see it. Why are we all so greedy? We think we can't live without money...tell me, does the dalai lama need money? did mother theresa need money? did Gauthama need money? Are they any less of a person because they don't make loads of green? So, what's so important about money?
You know what I think? I think we should all take a big deep breath and sit down. We should clear opur fucked up heads and think about what we're doing. Think about the way we are living our lives. I think that the things we do in life, in the long run, will amount to nothing. But that's not so bad, cause it shows us something else, that life is all about the now and here, that we should live our lives to the fullest every single moment.
And what does living life mean? Earning money, gaining power? no...To me, its about doing the things that make you happy most of all, the thing that gives us a sense of purpose, to have meaning in other's lives. Its about spending time with the people we love, making each other happy, while not causing harm. We should treat everyone else like our brothers and sisters, no matter who they are, cause they will treat us the same way. We should turn off the fucking news and internet, go outside, hang out with friends and read books and go bike riding. Fuck wars, damn power hungry demons, to hell with money and religion... we should live to love and love to live. Let's not hurt other people, shall we? let's not hurt ourselves, let's not tell others how to live their lives, let's try to respect others, let's try to make each other happy, let's try to spend our lives living for the people we love rather than for ourselves. Lets at least try to mean something special to someone else, if nothing more

I feel at peace inside, even at times when I'm faced with problems and trouble. It's part of finally discovering my destiny and direction. A simple thing could do so much. I spent a year and a half in misery, trying to decide and making myself depressed along the way. I still have problems externally, but if i ever were to be ready, i guess i am now.
I feel good again about myself, and what I'm doing, as well as trying to do.

Ok, I know it's been awhile. Not that I have been busy, but the thought of writing soemthing for my journals kept escaping my mind when I'm online. Well, I'm back anyway, and I've got plenty to talk about. Where shall I start, eh? Well, the best place would be the best and most important thing that has happened to me recently. You know how much of trouble I had been going through all this while trying to decided what I'm going to do after completing my current studies, right? Well, guess what...I have finally made up my mind. I trust to have found the perfect route, path, whatever you wanna call it for myself. The Liberal Arts, a degree program that involves credit transfer to US universities. Its an excellent course for me because for once, I get to learn, all the subjects that I want to learn and the foundations of subjects that might come in handy, including Law, economics, business, and the more fun ones like acting and music. Its gonna be fun.

I was thinking about this today. I was wondering about artists…musicians to be precise. It is about performing and creating. What is the difference? What makes us artists and what makes us performers?
I am not entirely sure about this, but from what I’ve been able to come up with so far is that musicians are truly a unique species. As artists, a musician is, or should be, in total control of the ‘canvas’, the paint, and most importantly the subject matter. The artist lets their own feelings and thoughts speak through the words and the music, with no limitations on what is to be said. An artist’s work has to reflect that particular individual’s perspective of everything else. The composition may be about anything, life, love. Whatever, but it has to be exactly what the composer wants it to be. It is important not to have censorship, outside influence…things that alter the meaning of the composition, even if the influence is well-intentioned.
The complete opposite is true for performers. Performers are what their audience wants them to be. Musicians on stage have to deliver exactly what their listeners want; otherwise the point of the concert is defeated. They have to perform, even if sometimes they don’t like the things they are performing (because they are bored of it). One thing must be understood. The songs that these musicians make are their own. But by allowing others to listen, they are exposing themselves to public eyes. Some of these public eyes will relate to them, some won’t. And then there are the critics. Those who are able to relate to the music are those who feel the same way as the artists do. Inadvertently, they have found a channel for their own feelings through the artists. While performing for these audiences, the musicians must be aware of this sentiment.

The Anthem

I've been living with these feelings lately,

they've been getting worse lately,

I think oyu've been dishonest lately,

playing with our lives irresponsibly,

So much hope, burnt to ash,

Don't destroy what we have left

Not listening to what they say,

taking the only chance i get,

leavin us with hell to pay,

on the days we lost.

I'm sinin our sick, sad, anthem

You haven't come over here laetly,

you're always going to bed lately,

i know you've been so cold lately,

don't know you've been acting crazy

I feel locked up inside,

Don't want to be played with anymore

chorus

Memories of Sunset

Do you recall all the times we spent?

Just laying back, talking shit, withoput a care?

back when things were simple, when you were here?

hell, i miss those times, now that you're away

We used to dream and breathe like one,

even when we spent our nights alone at home,

you were always on my mind, my only one

even now, when i know that you're gone

I'm still waiting,

For you to come back

So we can go back,

Back to the living

Do you think about our late night drives?

In my old car, we'd go wherever we liked,

come back late night, we'd sneak in and make out,

we'd whisper sweet promises to one another

chorus

I keep falling into our sunset memories,

I keep falling

in love with you.

Gotta Let Go

How long can we keep doing this,

Sooner or later one of us,

is bound to fall to pieces,

coz we just can't seem to get along.

I'd like to think that everything's okay,

we only argue coz we give a damn,

but i can't help but notice,

you ride my back for the hell of it.

Keep telling me how to live my life,

it's your turn to listen

You've gotta stop,

You've gotta leave,

This must stop,

we gotta let go.

You've caused me so many sleepless nights,

wallowing in self-doubt,

freaking out when i think of tomorow,

fall asleep afraid might wake up

chorus

When was the last time we laughed together?

all we do is snap at each other's throats,

will things go back to the way they were?

will we drift off like lonely floats?

I have been so many people, I have been so many mistakes, so many numbers, I have been so many stranghts and so many flaws. I have been through a lot and and I have been through nothing.
But I have my identity. No one will touch that, no one can change that... I belong to Allry.
Today began with me waking up feeling oddly sad. Then again, the thought of leaving my love every morning can make me sad anytime, but something was different today. I woke feeling a something bad was going to happen today.
I did not do well in my major exam, the first part of it anyway, and I've had to put up with some shit from a lecturer as well as minor headaches. I am annoyed at not getting what i was expecting, as in I got a C in my Biology when I was expecting an A. I don't know what went wrong where, but I know this is not a good thing. Anyways, I guess what's done is done and i have to move on.
I managed to pull through again because of my dearest. I don't know how long I can survive without my baby, she means so much to me and I so miss her.
I have no real heart to write tonight.... maybe tomorrow

Hey again....
So what shall i write about today. Nothing much happened of any traumatic or deep significance, so i'll just make a brief summary before moving on. Had a pretty average weekend. On Saturday, i spent nearly the entire day with my butt firmly planted on the seat in front of my computer. Of course, I was just doing homework with the music on(or so is the excuse i gave my mom, hehehe...) No really, I'm just kidding. I was studying...among other things. I think I'm really starting to like this new machine of mine, which I built up with a budget in mind. You know, a good planned attempt at buying a new cpu can really bring decent benefits. I built mine up for a little more than a thousand five hundred dollars, and it's one helluva machine.
So, yeah, I had a good time with it. I have only had it for like two weeks, to be precise, so , hell, i have a right to enjoy my baby, right? I wasn't really doing anything huge, just ripping songs and playing a few games and finishing my homework. I'm not lying when I said I was at it the entire day. Oh,no, wait...Not true. I did get off to do a few other things. Like watch the final of the Asian Football Cup between the holders Japan and the host nation, China. It was a rather one-sided match, really, Japan being a little too experienced for the Chinese, which I guess is understandable considering the standard of Japanese football being years ahead of that of the Chinese, no disrespect to the Chinese of course. The Japanese have been there and done it all before, so they were always going to be the favourites.
During the match, I was also busy exchanging messages with my best friend, or rather, my brother. We were talking about the usual things men talk about...women. Hahaha... it was fun.
For me at least, cause I'm pretty sure he was experiencing a serious case of hyper-ventilation. It doesn't take a genius to figure out who exactly was having the girl-related problems. Actually, problems isn't the right word. More like issues.
Anyway, that was how my Saturday went. As you can see, it wasn't anything special.
I am an artist. What is my art? well, i have a couple. I like creative writing. That's been a passion of mine for as long as i can remember. It's a skill I have been honing since childhood, and I have managed to develop it into not only essays and fiction, but also into poetry and song-writing, the latter being the latest in my repertoire. Of course, song-writing being a new skill for me, I'm not that adept at it yet, but it's been a very good learning experience for me so far. It is a new way of self-expression which is both subtle and powerful at the same time, which is how I like to think of myself. Not very outwardly expressive, but I have my own thoughts and I like to share them this way. Song-writing has taught me how to play around with my thoughts and imaginings in ways I have never thought of before. These come through rhymes, timing, syllable-counts, among others. I find myself being more creative in a sense that I constantly try to think of various situations to place myself in in order to come up with the sketches for my songs.
There is also another part to the entire song-writing thing. Ever since I began my foray into making music, I have found a new perspective on music appreciation. As it is, I'm a huge music fan, which I'm sure is pretty prevalent in a lot of the things I do write. Recently, I have been able to enjoy the music of other artists with a different level of perception. By delving deeper into the words of a song in order to sate my curiousity, I find myself often left in awe and pure amazement at the skill and finesse of people like Sarah Mclachlan, Jewel, and all those music bands out there. Most recently is a band who came out with their sophomore effort, The Calling. I can't help but be impressed by the sheer consistent quality of Two, their latest album. It's very, very good, in terms of the songwriting and the musical progressions. The vocal stylings of Alex Band is as distinct as ever, as is the sound of the band, which has always been a little orchestral, now with the added kick of piano as well. Overall, it is an album that belongs on everyone's cd-rack.
Okay, so enough with all that... I want to talk about something that occured to me lately.
Anyone who reads the news, watches the news, whatever will definitely be aware that a lot of bad things are going on nowadays, not just locally, but everywhere in the world it seems. War, terror, depravity, you name it, it's happening. It's odd as to why it's all happening at the same time, as if civilisation just decided to take a vacation and leave humanity in hell. People are killing each other for no apparent reason other than their own selfish causes, their religion, faith..whatever. Some kill for power, money, revenge or just because they have plain lost it. To tell you the truth, that's not what i'm trying to point out. It's something else. Its the media. People live in constant fear of the bad things, in fear of terror, because of all the things that our precious media spreads. I know some of you might be balking right now, but do hear me out. I know the media is important and so on, but is this really how it should be? The media, to me, is supposed to spread goodwill, hope and concern...not fear and terror. Why do people carry guns? Because they are filled with fear by the media. People are disillusioned with the world, with life in general, because all they see everyday is the bad things that go on. It can make the most optimistic of us lose hope. I mean, what the hell... videos of people being beheaded? come on.... what the heck are we? we are supposed to be higher than animals, not lower.... What kind of faith or religion encourages that? I'm not even a person of any religion and I know that.
WHat kind of impression does this create? WHat kind of message is being passed on by the media? It's lost somewhere in the constant struggle for sensational scandals and potential gold-mines. No one seems to worry about the repercussions of all their actions anymore.
I really can't say much more than turn off your news, and stuff. Get out of your house, go hang out with the people you love, read a good book, write music, have fun...treat everyone like your brother or sister. Imagine if everyone were to do this....

Hey , ya'll...whoever you are who happens to be reading this. I'm not quite sure why anyone would be reading my web journal, since there really isn't nothing much in here except the usual angsty, annoyed, depressed teen bullshit that you can pretty much get out of your average modern society. Guess it does not matter to any appreciable extent, simply because i doubt anyone actually reads any of this stuff anyway. It's alright...i don't really care. I just need this as an outlet to express myself, and knowing that no one is actually going to take the time to read the stuff that I post here is somewhat comforting and liberating, becuase i feel i can say whatever I want.
Well, if you did somehow manage to stumble across this journal of mine, cheerios to you. I hope you get a good read, though i don't really see how. Try my poetry, it's not as depressing as some of the other things I put in here...hahaha....trust me, it get's pretty darn sad pretty fast. But don't get me wrong..I'm not always like this. I'm just your average guy who likes the normal kind of things, who makes decisions like everyone else and just like everyone else, I happen to have a lot of pent-up stuff. This is my channel to venting all those unspoken thoughts and feelings. Yeah, like you haven't heard that before.
I was thinking about getting a little more graphic with my posting, since I noticed that a lot of my past work has been rather abstract. It is like watching a life pass by in nothing more than beeps of differing rythms, like an unclear picture that tries to tell a story only using the intensity of its many colours. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'll leave it at, I'm thinking about writing an actual honest-to-algae journal, and not some picasso rendition of a goth-rock telenovella, whatever that is. I'll try and totally spill the shit that goes on in my life everyday...not that it is very interesting, but I guess it's a good way to go about things. Well, better than any other way I can think of anyway.
Okay, so where do I start? Maybe a really shocking statement to get everyone's attention, soemthing that might wake up those of you who are already asleep by this time. How about.... I am in love with a woman but i haven't found her. I know this young angel who came into my life and saved me a long, long time ago. I fell in love with her , for she breathed a little tiny bit of her own life into me, and I'm forever hers. The best part is, I have never physically seen her yet. Seroisly, I haven't found her yet. I know that if the person reading this happens to be a friend of mine, I've got a lot of explaining to do, but for some reason, I don't mind. The thing is, I have been in love for SO long, I have forgotten how it feels to be not in love. It's like my entire life has been a lovesick one, like I'm not even half of who I'm meant to be because I haven't found the one who makes me feel complete. I won't say her name cause that would be a little too much of a risk.
I am a debater by the way. You know, it's one of those things in life where you just got to stop and wonder, "what the fuck am i doing here? what am i gonna do with my life?" sometimes, we lose our direction momentarily. I get that a lot. I sometimes forget all the things I am and feel completely worthless, like a pimple on a teenager's face. Debating is something I'm good at. Well, probably not very good at, but, hey, I'm gifted and I'm definitely on the up-and-coming list. More importantly, I love doing it. Plus, I get to meet fun people, who are...well, I wouldn't say like me, but more as in people who speeak my lingo, who I feel free communicating with. It's all because we debaters are extremely open-minded citizens who love talking and discussing. Mind you, I'm not much of a talker(seriously), but I like expressing my thoughts, especially when I feel that I have soemthing importantn to share. I can't always do this, because of the people around me at times, but with the debaters, I can.
I have a dream. Well, I have many dreams actually. I want things in my life, things I need in order to survive and to make my life a meaningful one. I write and play music, at least I'm beginning to learn how to do so. I have a band, a small one, but a band nonetheless. We make good music, music that we like playing. It's hard work and we find it hard to make time for us because of other commitments but we still try.
Going back to what i was saying earlier, about the girl I'm searching for my entire lfe, I just want to mention the fact that I am often in a situation where I think I meet someone and sniff a chance, however slight, that there was something. So far, all of it had been wrong, misguided, or failed. But I know they are not her. Recently, I met someone new, from the debates I've been going to in college. Someone who is nice, kind, and reminiscent of someone else...hahhaa... I dare not hold my breath, for I know better than to get my hopes up too high. I am hoping to see where all this leads to, but you have my word I'll post as much as i can in my little webjournal.
ciao.

I am in a high...and it is because of a girl. Hmm.
Actually, there is this person whom i am getting good vibes from, who might be the very person I'm looking for in my life, and the feeling has been growing more intense. Especially now that I'm reaching a point in my life this year where it's make or break time.
This person, well, she is someone I've known for about a year or so, but after the initial meeting-up, and stuff, things slowed down a lot and i did not even see her for several months. Now, she has appeared again, and so have I. It's all because the debates.
If things work out for me this year, in the next few months, it would be a very important step in my life, a reprive that I sorely need. even if I don't do so well, I have come to realize that i have regained some of my self-confidence, and I owe so much of it to the resumption of the debating in college(not to mention the possibility that Allry...) you know. :)
The band is coming along pretty well, wrote a bunch of new songs, been improving on my guitar skills a lot. So, overall, progress is being made, and though there is still a lot of pressure, I finally feel like everything is now within my own hands.

me smiling and lookin' hella fun 

I'm in the middle of reading this one book that i found at a Pay-less book shop, and it defined undervalued. It is this little gem titled Letter's To Jenny, by the unofficial king of all things Xanth, Piers Anthony. Yes, I'm one of those fortunate Mundanians who actually does know about him, even though i'm located halfway across the world. Enough about me though, I would like to talk about this book.
First of all, what is this book about? Letter's To Jenny is actually a collection of...well..letters sent by the author, Mr. Anthony, to a little girl named Jenny. Please note that this are real people and the occurences mentioned DID happen. This is not a fictional review. Jenny is a nine-year old girl who sadly got mowed down by a drunk driver and ended up in a coma. Jenny happens to be a huge fan of the Xanth series, a collection of fantasy novels which had captured the hearts of many in America and the rest of the world. (in case you're clueless about Xanth, spank yourself, you moron)
Anyway, Jenny's mother, in deep concern for her daughter's condition, makes a desperate attempt to make things better. She came up with the idea of writing to Mr. Anthony about her Jenny, and asks him the favour of writing a letter personally to Jenny. Jenny's mother believes that upon hearing from her favourite writer, Jenny's condition might improve somewhat.
What follows is a string of letters written by the author to one of his dearest fans, and these make up the bulk of the book. It is a rather unusual piece of work, but, in my opinion, for whatever that's worth, it is a very important one. It shows a very human side of people and how sometimes the most wonderful thing we could exprience is to be able to make a difference in somebody's life.
The letters written by Mr Anthony are subtle, simple, yet exceedingly sensitive, showing how insightful and caring the man really is. He does care about his readers and has no qualms about taking an active role in their lives, in getting to know them and learning about them. Letter's To Jenny is sweet, touching, funny, and precious. It is a wonderful read and anybody with a heart would indeed something wonderful between it's covers.

Maybe it is true, that without total commitment and passion, true success can never be achieved, that to be the best at a chosen path requires total willingness to sacrifice whatever it takes. Of course many of us do not buy into this. We are afraid to give up a lot of things that we already have, yet we have our aspiratins and our ambitions to be something, to achieve something. As a result, we try to maintain a balance between honest effort holding back. I guess we are just worried that in the process of trying too hard, we might stand to lose the things that we already have.
I wrote about this once and now i realise several factors, issues that i had missed out,or rather things i never considered until today. It concerns the object of our passion and commitment and how it affects our decision making, the way we choose to live our lives and so on. For instance, if we were to go into a certain field, whatever it is, if we truly feel a sense of belonging in it, then we should give our everything to be the best at it. The catch here, however, is that it does not have to be so generic... the field that is. This is where I strayed earlier, a very important point that i think we should all know.
When we talk about an object/subject we have a deep-seated passion for, we talk about love. When we talk about love, we pretty much talk about everything. We might love words, music, people, whatever... the point is, to be the best at something, to make a difference in this 'object' of our interest, we must commit ourselves fully to it. There are many examples, whether it is the way two people who are in love are completely devoted to one another, a parents' commitment to their child and so on. It doesn't have to be something as obvious as being a legendary rock-star, or a formula one champion. It is also the little things in life. I realised this these past few days as i contemplate the fact that someone i deeply care for is leaving to another country to pursue her studies. I learned that I do have something to which I'm completely committed to, to which I would give anything, sacrifice anything, and quite simply, it makes me feel confident and complete.
So, i would like to revise what i had written earlier by including this new information, so that anyone who reads it won't feel like I'm an imbecile..lol..kidding.
Well, gotta go now... bye

I am starting to feel rather stronger these days...thanks in large part to the two week break i was on. I managed to take the opportunity to rebuild my self and now I feel like i am better prepared to face the world again. I am more confident that my self-doubt has lessened considerably and I am firmer now. Mostly this is due to me spending so much time with Allry and relaxing my mind. I realised that I was guilty of too much self-doubt. That is a bane upon my soul, something i can really do without. I know it now, and I know my self a little better now.
I haven't found the happiness and the completion i'm looking for, but I am ack on the right road again, thanks to my dearest friends, the ones I love.

i'm looking frizzled 

Had a really good day today with one of my best friends, Derrik... we came up with four spanking new tracks for our band, each one of them showing signs of maturity and growing ability. I am very proud of these new songs as they represent a milestone in whatever is in store for us in the near future.
Hopefully this is a sign of things to come and the catalyst of this band's evolution.

Me on a normal day 

Things have been on a serious upswing this past few days, even though i inititially had a bad feeling about it. I kinda feel i deserved a bit of good in my life after the stuff i had been recently going through. I've been having a good time since saturday, going out with friends, watching movies, generally having fun, doing stuff i want to do. Now, when was the last time i said that? hahaha....
Oh, I got my hands on Avril Lavigne's new cd. The thing about Avril is that i've always known she had a talent, good talent but her first album fell short, seriously short, and it gave the media the wrong impression about her. People got the wrong impression about her. I guess she was a bit immature, still young and all.
Well, she has grown up...a lot. That should be enough to tell the current story about Avril Lavigne. Maturity. Finding oneself. That's what we're all trying to do, right? Growing up. Learning through every thing we go through, all the shit we put up with, the mistakes we make, the success, and whatever. They don't really matter, its just the things we take from them..the lessons and satisfaction.

It's very likely that many of us will never be able to achieve our dreams. Our lives may never go according to plan, that's the way things are unfortunately. Some of us won't even be given a chance to strive for the things we want most in life, be it love, money, profession, or whatever. A few of us try our hardest to help others who to achieve their goals and dreams. We support, encourage or take even more active roles in others lives to make sure they are given their shot at glory. Even that, sadly, might not be enough. The reasons are plentiful and on most occassions, it is a multitude of factors that leads to a person's failure at achieving something. So, what does one do when they know that there is nothing that can be done to help? To me, there is nothing else to do but to keep trying anyway. Because we love each other. We never give up on ourselves or each other, otherwise life would be meaningless.
Then there are the very rare people who do succeed in living their dreams, seeing their greatest aspirations achieved. What is the difference between them and the rest of us? well, many things really, but a very large factor is commitment and passion. The problem here is that though most of us dream and aspire, we rarely find ourselves being able to give ourselves completely up to striving towards these ambitions. It is because we are afraid that we might lose and find ourselves with nothing left, so we always tend to hold something back. We're unable to realize that this little things we keep in reserve, or our backup plans, or whatever we call them, might just be the very reason we aren't able to reach the top. We think we are not good enough, and this is one of the biggest problems... self-doubt. True, sometimes, the outlook is just so darned bleak that even the most self-confident among us can be broken down. I know it is a lot easier said than done, but really, there is no other way to do it. Self-doubt will destroy us eventually, in worse ways than we could possibly imagine.
I have always believed that it much better to fail having tried our very best than never having tried at all or simply being half-hearted about it. I think..no, I'm pretty sure that I will always be giving myself full-heartedly to the things I'm passionate about. (like the love of my life) hahaha.
I can't expect people to actually take me seriously, because that's just the way people are, hypocritical, cynical, and jsut plain boring. I mean, come on, you don't start living and trying to make a difference, no one's gonna remember you. if you're okay with that, then fine, go ahead living your dull, pathetic daily lives. For the rest of you who want to be remembered, who want to be heard loud and proud, then give in to who you are completely and don't hold anything back.

It is normal for a person's life to be riddled with ups and downs. There is no point in complaining about it, we just accept it and get on with it. My life has been full of ups and downs for most of it. Lately, I've been having quiet a bit of high and a bit of low. The higs include a newfound self-confidence, a new and special friend, as well as a reunion with an old one. The lows happen to be few and far between, mostly involving college and the ilk.
Something unusual happened to me this week. I discovered something very important, though I'm not entirely at liberty to say it here. Not yet, anyway, for I must see it through first.

Further

Tonight as usual we start to fight,
Just like every other damn night,
truth is, try as we might,
We can never do what's right

I'm telling you now so listen up,
I'm just too sick and fed up,
we can try but we're out of luck,
think our time is already up.

we used to love every moment,
that we spent with each other,
now we can't even see eye to eye,
you're just drifting further.

This World, My Song

I'm looking at this song I worte,
while sitting around this little studio,
I know these words are my own,
this wasn't where i wanted them to go,

i think i'm disillusioned with it all,
materialism and greed permeates us all,
leading us only to our doom and fall,
my song is a desperate call

chorus
i think our world is running out of time,
or is it just us runnin out of love

Ignorance and selfishness breeds damnation,
taking us into complete disintegration,
this is our hypocritical cynical nation,
and its all because of television

chorus

Never Know

Why should I listen to you?
preaching about what i should do,
you think you know what i go through,
i know my life better than you

don't tell me what's right for me,
i doubt you're satisfied or happy,
you don't know what i want,
you can never know what i truly want.

stop telling me what is at stake,
don't tell me my life is desecrated,
i know I'm not perfect
but i am learning everyday.

Doughnut Girl

She wipes her hands on her coffe-stained towel,
there is a frown on the face of the doughnut girl,
i bet she's wondering where are all the customers,
well, hey, don't look too far, doughnut girl.

reach down into my pocket, smile, there's a dollar note,
feel like i might just treat myself to a doughnut,
and the pretty young girl in the pretty uniform,
maybe i just might try and make somebody's day today.

She says,
"Excuse me, welcome, would you like something?"
"Or are you just here to see me?"
Well, she leans forward and I speak,
Couldn't it be both?

She takes off her cap and lets down her hair,
dimple on her left cheek, a face so fair,
flashe a brilliant smile at the onl guy in the place,
makes me feel like i never wanna leave this place.

Here I am

All the times I needed you to see,
were all the times i kept looking away,
when my hurts and pain wnt in so deep,
you never ever seemed to be there,

no, you'd rather talk about the weather,
and all the things that didn't really matter,
and every passing moment you slip further,
instead of trying to make things better,

But Here I am,
still hoping you'd come back,
hoping you'd change so we can be,
what we used to be......

there is a wound between the two of us,
one that will never heal, even with time,
it grows with every hit, every fight,, every curse,
one that tells us its already our time.
chorus

hoping you'd heal us,
heal the pain tearing us apart,
prove to them we can hold on,
but then again, hope is gone

Unbuilt

After the times we never thought we'd see,
these days they linger momentarily,
inside our lives we're only starting to cave in,
but there's still a part of us that won't give in,

coz we know tomorow is just around the corner,
and redemption is always becoming closer..

you can take, all we ever built up,
you can break, all we're building up,
you can never bring us down

confidence no more stronger than we thought,
our days growin shorter, not much worth fighting for,
yet we all look for a little bit more,
so we can keep trudgin on til dawn.

pre-chorus..chorus

Cranial homicide

we keep runnin in circles,
not really goin anywhere
keep stumblin at every corner,
just don't seem to care

can't keep on ignorin,
signs we have been shown,
can't keep on fallin,
at every rock that was thrown

we gotta keep believin we can win,

come on,come on, come on,
we can't keep givin in,
som on, come on, com on,
we must keep on fightin

we may be dead an broken but we're still alive....

Ourselves

We never imagined all of this would come to pass,
never did we think that we would have to take this test,
because everytime i sit and wait for you to come,
take me away from this painful dark dream,

and we can take another step in this unknown path,
change our stars, take a stride, erase our past,
because we know now, we have so much time,
to be as one and build our lives,

chorus,
then again, we're both broken,
we know we're losing ourselves,
and we're lonely now,
we have lost ourselves

can i hold on to your hand now?
i'm araid if I let go, I'll go blind....
everybody's telling me i must change my ways...
but without you i can't survive another day

we know we're broken,
when we're apart from love,
only one things true,
i can't live without you

You're a Hooker, I'm Jack The Ripper

Just know, wherever you're hiding,
whichever corner you're penned in,
I'm seeking you out!!!!!!

Just know, whatever you're doing,
whatever mess you got yourself in,
I'm seeking you out!!!!!!!
I can smell you, hear you, every single beat of your heart is like thunder in fast forward,
Every sound you make, every step you take, every breath you inhale,
I'M ON TO YOU!!!!!

just know, whoever you are telling,
wherever you are runnin,
I'm seeking you out!!!!

I can smell your fear,
I can taste you here,
I can feel you near,
I'm coming for you, dear..

Stars

So many exits, but i keep walking around,
everytime I'm lookin up, find myself fallin down,
feels like I'm on a fucked up merry-go-round,
with a face of a creep, the scary face of a clown

coz that's all i feel, in this time, all i see,
they keep pushing me, choking me, abusin me,
i still keep runnin, strugglin to keep my dignity,
there is nothin here, failure consumes me

and now i'm stuck here, looking for my answers,
to figure out how I can make things better,
in this merry-go-round i may be stuck forever,
and i'll never grow up to be a bad mother fucker

Bleed

locked away ina dusty atic,
buried under years of memories,
it is a place deep in my head,
where she rules as queen,

a spiderweb of tangles and feelings,
she brings mein the deep,
everything else is inconsequential,
i end up feeling bestial.

chorus,
do you liek to see me bleed?
and watch as every drop falls,
on my blood you feed,
burn me to ash in the end

black widow of armageddon,
the armagedon called me,
residing in mysoul,
watching,w aiting as i grow old,

chorus

please end this, please end this, before you can no longer see me.

Freak,Outcast,Misfit

feelin the ultra-super medication in your veins,
numbin your nerves as you try to stay sane,
shutting out the voices around you in vain,
a whisper becomes a scream in your head,

every broken soul out there alone,
enduring another day in the dark, forlorn,
trying so hard to fit in, conform,
risk jeopardising your own,

freak, outcast, misfit,
you don't fit in,
you're not alone,
i'm just like you.

so much time locked up in your shell,
pretending as if everything is fine,
when in fact you contemplate taking your own life,
laughin in the face of death just before you die

chorus,

for now, forget who you are,
forget everything but here and now,
there is only you and me

i don't have a clue as to why the bloody stinking hell i can never seem to log in to this darned website!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so,things are a bit slow lately... figures since i don't really get much of an opportunity to come here and type stuff, seeing how this whole shitty broadband system is screwed up and all. heh..probably be typing not too often so don't say i didn't warn you.
as if anyone actually reads this stuff...
so, what's ben happening with my life lately? well, i feel kinda chatty so maybe i might reveal a little bit of dirt. What kinda dirt...? the kind that makes people who think they know me go all "What??!!" There are plenty....dirt, that is
I am a weird, twisted, ultimately good person. Confusing? let me explain. no, better yet...let me tell you about me. I'm a guy who trusts in love as a faith. I'm a sucker for adrenaline rushes... the jump off a fucking cliff with a parachute kind. I like..no, i enjoy wild, twisted and naughty sex... anyone got a problem with that? i don't hurt anyone...never have, never will. not my style. I live my life a step at a time and the only thing that matters is what my gut tells me. I'm the luckiest guy on the planet coz i found true love...just haven't quite located her physical position yet(that's a whole different story, i ain't gonna tell it here). i love the environment, you know life and all that...got great appreciation for it, though i don't really give a fuck about god..I got a thing for words.. i write like a madman, without a fucking care in the world. Not very fancy lingustically..just a helluva lot of honesty going into my works.
so,make your own conclusions..I'm a outta here

How do you tell someone your heart's longing?
How do I speak my desires and my feelings?
When there is no one to listen,
All I ever wanted is to be free,
Of this life i don't want to live,
where i only want someone to be with.

You can feel the doors closing around you,
your thoughts are lost and you're lonely,
No longer aware of what you're doing,
your only wish is to get through the day,
and hope you never will awake,
resting in peaceful, dreamless, slumber.

Deep inside no one can understand,
all the things you're going through,
the thoughts that are plaguing you,
those who claim to care don't understand,
the things you really long for,
the life you crave to live.

A soul that is filled with with so much doubt,
Losing sight of good and bad, right and wrong,
Seeking solace, yet finding only trauma,
yet, judgement and conscience claws your mind,
tormenting with pangs of guilt and shame,
you long to be claimed by death.

Will you ever be strong again?
Will we ever find our courage?
to change our stars and find our lives,
the lives we really want to live,
and the ones who truly care for us,
dare we discover them?

I dare you to rise,
leave behind things that hurt,
find the ones who truly care,
dare you to move,
find your peace and freedom,
to do what makes you content,
i dare you to live.


Runnin'
I'm lookin at this song I wrote,
While sittin around this little studio,
I know these words are my own,
but i never ealised where i wanted to go,

I think I'm dissilusioned with it all,
materialism and greed permeates us all,
leading us to our doom and fall,
yeah, my songs are just a desperate call.

I thnk our world,
is runnin out of time,
or maybe it's just us,
runnin out of love.

Ignorance and selfishness breeds damnation,
taking us into quiet disintegration,
this is our hypocritcal, cynical nation,
think it's all coz of television,

this is what I write about, this is what I think is happenin, this is what I think must change...

I can't bloody sign in, i can't bloody update...sorry,sorry,sorry..........

Until morning

Until I can breathe on my own,
Be the air that gives me life,
Until I can see om my own,
Be my eyes and guide my way.

All i lack is returned in your sweet embrace,
Until I can sing again

Chorus,
A wildfire blowing in the wind,
The purest thing I've ever seen,
The one thing I know is true,
In me there's only you.

Until I can walk on my own,
Hold me in your arms, protect me,
Until I can fly on my own,
Be the air under my wings and carry me

Your love is my life and voice,
until i can sing again

Chorus,

Bridge,
Until I can sing again,
With my voice a clear note,
Is the moment I will sing,
about you to our world.


Shadows

Shadows on the wall,
Are the ones keeping me company,
Silent, dark companions,
Secrets known only to you and me.

I can see the wolves,
Hungering my flesh, thisting my blood,
Lords of the night,
Chasing me into the darkness,

chorus
Leave me behind,
Just don't confuse me, forsake me..
return to me what's mine,
and leave me to the shadows.

The dancing of the flames,
spreading life into the shadows,
And in their erratic rythm,
I find solace, drifting into loneliness..

chorus,

bridge,
My shadows,
my dark friends,
my secret night,
my secret.


Dirty Angel.(don't fuck around with this song, find a really good tune, coz it's HOT)

She's looking innocent, like an angel,
But I know, sex she likes it nasty,
She got the heart of a saint,
who don't mind getting naughty

She walks into the room,
and all heads start to turn,
she flashes her emerald eyes at me,
and, fuck, she makes my dick burn

chorus,
lets make this night work,
you and me havin fun,
i can't help lovin you,
you dirty little cunt

we can use my two-room apartment,
three guys be finessing the stereo,
we'll get naked and wet,
you'll be ridin me like a rodeo...

I'll be kissin your chest,
caressing the small of your back,
we'll be fuckin so fast,
there can be no turning back

chorus

Here's My bands newest song...

Stand And Fight.

Their voices cry out in the dark,
On a long and lonely night,
As they cringe in fear and silent doubt,
Waiting for another fight.

The children cry out and the old ones die,
The passing of the tide,
But the great war, it never ends,
A deceptive show of might.

And we wait for the night to pass....

They would try,
to take our pride,
To take our freedom and our lives,
They don't change,
But what is ours,
Will always be ours,
As long as we stand and fight.

Though we've been through so much suffering,
And a pain we cannot bear,
We'll take the bad with all the good,
Just be brave enough to care,

They would try,
to take our pride,
To take our freedom and our lives,
They don't change,
But what is ours,
Will always be ours,
As long as we stand and fight...

I made an interesting discovery lately...I'm a good speaker, if I try to be one. I entertained people, with words and humour, not arrogance or fancy words. I caught their fancy.

Sorry for not having updated for well...for a very long time... I switched to broadband recently and there were quite a few bugs to fix. i was not able to come over here to make any entry. Well, now I can and for all the better.

Every day my thoughts are clouded. I know that there is an uncertainty lingering over me which i cannot shake. I don't know why I am this way... why i can never be at peace. truly. I onlu know that I am troubled and insecure. I am making mistakes too often and my judgement is not what it should be.
I want to pull through all of the things I am going through, and more than anything I desire the strength and guidance to help me along the way. Only one can ever be my source of hope and light, and she is the one my heart and soul long for every passing moment.
I feel alone when i know well enough that those whom I love and who love me are always around me, and it frightens me. It makes me yearn for Allry all the more desperately. I think of how our lives might be, of all the joys we might share together, as simple as they might be, just by being together. This glimpse of our future fills me with hope and gets me through my days, even though i feel so weary. I love my Allry. SHE is my everything.

Stupid websites supposedly there to help you find friends...and people actually use them... including me, though I'm still trying to figure out why I even tried in the first place. Someone once told me that i'm full of contradictions and it made me think. In many ways, it is true. The person who made this remark is a friend of mine, or so we like to believe...mostly because I don't want to be considered as a victim of any kind, had quite enough of that, really. We tend to get into heated arguments a lot, usually involving some deep issues such as faith, culture, customs, and rubbish like that. She relies on very firmly set principles and laws, and I, on the other hand, rely completely on instinct and whim. Hence, it doesn't surprise me that I come out sounding like a living contradiction.

Here's a question you can not answer,
Why can't my voice be heard?
Not in the way you can hear,
I'm just a silent screaming blunder.

You leave me on my knees,
speechless and dazed,
even when you're not aware,
that I'm near you.

you make me feel,
like I'm a million miles away,
a tiny speck of dust,
looking up at the monsters.

so save me before I'm crushed,
before the skies fall on me,
in your light I do trust,
even though you don't know me.

come on and save me,
come on and light me up,
don't leave, don't run away.

i still don't think,
that I'm getting through,
to making you see,
that I'm desperate for you.

you're sitting there,
beside me in the car,
oblivious to the storm inside me,
so near, yet so far.

so beautiful and innocent,
i want to reach out,
and touch your hair and skin,
don't want you to freak out.


you trust me to be there
and do what i can,
you let me take you home,
but you see me only as a friend.

come on and save me,
come on and light me up,
don't leave, don't run away.

From this place I lie in,
I see, not five feet away from me,
the most beautiful angel I've ever seen,
Serene and sad as can be,
Makes me wonder in awe,
At the cause of her sorrow,
and lying next to her, i saw,
the man who was half-alive, or half-dead.

Solitude.

How many times have I waited to tell you?
So many days that I don't remember,
All of the things in my head lost forever,
Since the day you stole my soul from me.

This solitude,
It never gives the promised release,
This solitude,
Makes your absence even more painful.

How long can I go on now?
Without you to guide me through life,
So many times I've fell into the darkness,
Ever have you been my light at night.

This solitude,
It makes my world seem so deprived,
Oh, solitude,
Forever me and forever you.

My old blackpack filled with my shattered dreams,
is empty now except for thoughts of you,
cold dark days are none too few,
those thoughts are the ones that pull me through.

Oh, solitude,
Maybe eternal till my end,
Oh, solitude,
I don't want to die alone.

Little lover, little mate,
Dear universe, my shared peace,
Hold on to this,
Hold on to our pride,
I’ll be by your side,
As we receive this gift.

Your sweet soul,
And mine,
Forever joined,
Forever bonded as one,
The moment of bonding,
Culminating in this gift.

Fine lines that define,
Faith and Love,
The sensations that give us joy,
Peace, pride, happiness,
The moment we receive this gift.

My dear love,
My beautiful child,
My family,
Dear love,
Ever so mild,
As happy as can be,
Our sweet child…

I'm still trying hard just to make sense,
of what is going on in mylife and all that is yet to come,
Feeling as if everything is moving so quickly and they are so intense,
I realise I can no longer cope as i grow numb.

My memories flash in my tired mind's eye,
Faces i used to know and names I no longer remember,
Fade in and out before they die,
As I long for all that was once tender.

Why can't I simply leave and walk away?
Never look back and regret all that could've been,
Instead i remain and cling on to a desolate hope,
despite all that I have felt and seen.

I step outside,
take a deep breath,
open my eyes,
see you by my side,
knowing that nothing bad,
will hurt our ties.

I can feel the fresh air,
bathing my body and soul,
strenghtening my being,
and then there you are, so fair,
dispatching whatever remains of the cold,
replacing it with warm caring.

There's so little left for me,
In this barren and forsaken land,
So little hope and so much dread,
And not even a shadow of a helping hand.

All around me I see sorrow,
In the soil beneath my feet and the eyes of dead life,
there is so much pain and no sign of tomorrow,
Not even the remnants of a forgotten life.

Such bearings of doom and grief,
Fall upon my weakened shoulders,
so heavy is this burden i bear,
as I trudge on towards the beast's lair.

I know now my life is forsaken,
Yet, I harbour neither grief nor regret,
In this land so desolate and barren,
i have nothing else to fight for.

I can't stand all this waking nightmares,
Can't you see I'm already broken down?
My weary body is weak from all this worries and cares,
still i trudge on because it's all i can do now.

How many more times will you yell at me,
Curse me, throw me down and humiliate me,
despte all i try to do in order to please you,
you still won't give me the respect i crave from you.

Is this all that I'm to be given?
a life of dissatisfaction and uncontrollable pain,
never to be anything more than a dissapointment,
i struggle inside just to remain sane.

I know I can't keep it all locked inside,
I know this pain will soon break out and seek release,
already i can feel the turn of the dreadful tide,
my heart will break and my soul will be claimed by disease.

So many feelings inside me, most of which I do not understand,
All of them affecting my judgement and conscience,
showing me things I don't want to see,
Things I will never be able to understand,
Filling me with hate and the craving for vengeance.

I try not to pretend,
But pretend is all I can,
Because the real me inside,
Just won't survive.

The real me deep within,
Deep underneath my skin,
Is so much different,
from this shell I wear.

I've set up so many lies,
to protect myself,
In fear od harsh judgement,
and the shadow of shame.

I try not to hide,
all these feelings I have,
but it's like fighting the tide,
of an enormous wave.

Do you recall the times you used to look at me and say.
whether either of us will ever see the light of day,
and i keep telling that no matter what others do or say,
they will never be able to take our dreams away.

Despite all the times we have felt like giving in,
to all the pressures and obstacles that wear us thin,
they only succeed in making us closer than we've ever been,
giving us the ability to find the hope within.

Everyone use to say that for us hope was forsaken,
but we never gave in and fell under the weight of this burden,
no matter how many things from us they have taken,
we still have our love it'll always be our salvation.

And now after all this time has passed into memory,
and all that trouble was merely temporary,
we are both left to ourselves in this serenity,
where we can live our lives free from agony.

Love's Promise.

I'll follow beside you,
Even if we're all alone,
Know that I'll always love you,
And I'll never leave you alone.

Whenever you are scared,
I'll fight off your fears,
I will chase away anything bad,
And then wipe away your tears.

I'm neither mighty nor invincible,
but you may always lean on me,
I'll always do what I'm able,
All i ask is for you to love me.

Let me be your man,
who holds you tight at night,
Let me be your friend,
who will always hold you tight.

There is no way for me to tell you,
How much I truly love you,
I hope you see that its true,
That I've become a part of you.

We all seem to lose ourselves so easily, to simply surrender and fall into the crowd. We give up the fight even before we start. Why doesn't anyone stop and think, about what they are doing and what everyone else is doing? Why don't they just sit back for a while and consider their lives? Shouldn't they be able to consider their current lifestyle and determine whether it is what they truly want and need, if their way of life is giving them the satisfaction and contentment that we all crave in truth?
I think that most of us refuse to give a moment to think about our lives because we are afraid. Afraid to see things for what they really are. We are hanging on to some distorted logic that ignorance is bliss and that by continually moving and working, these questions and doubts won't arise. We are trying to delay what will eventually come anyway. We give ourselves completely to the search for materialistc riches, ambition, greed and success, just so we won't have to bother ourselves with the deeper part of our lives. Not many have the courage and strength to walk through the fire of doubt and emotions, where the only things that truly matter are faith and love. To some, allowing these doubts about our way of life to surface is wrong, but they can never find any form of justification and thus it is nothing more than a natural human fear of the unknown. We fear aliens, we fear God and in the very same way, we fear ourselves. We fear who we are inside, our feelings and our desires.
Why is it wrong to ask our own hearts what it really seeks? In my own heart, i believe that the only true happiness in this world belongs to those who take these steps of self-discovery and then go on to seek out their destinies and dreams. More often than not, these aren't people who want money, property or physical wealth, but to be as close as they can to their emotional homes...their families and friends. They seek not to be successful or rich, but to share what they are able with the world and give back to this beautiful Earth what they can. It is love they seek, a pure love, where one can give themselves completely into caring for another person. Faith is the other arm, the guiding light of life, and it is not grounded in prejudice like race, nor fanaticism like religion. Instead, it is grounded in simplicity, powerful yet gentle.
If I could do something for this world, this would be it. I would try to make more people stop for a moment and relax. To think long and hard and listen to their hearts instead of their minds. I would want people to gain a deeper understanding of themselves as individuals and their true needs and desires. Most importantly, I would want people to not give up their search for true happiness, no matter how hard that road may seem.
For now, most of us are barely drifting, allowing our fears to dictate our lives.

As much as I want to punch out at someone sometimes, I never ever get to it. Why? I think I'm a nice guy. Yeah,. right. And Pigs just started to sprout wings in Romania. Point is, I'm an artist, and idealist, a romanticist, call it whatever you want, i believe in certain things and i stay true to them. One of those include being kind and fair to others as best as I can...i f some people consider that a weakness, then it's their own problem.
I may not have the freedom to change others, or the ability to right wrongs, but I definitely have the right to decide the way i am, my presentation, my personality and what-not.
So, shove it

It's almost like a bullet train heading towards hell. A rocket doomed to crash despite its advanced technology. It does feel like there is a black cloud hanging around my brain everytime i try to think of my future.
I've decided I need to secure myself more firmly. This is embarassing, but I have decided that i need to find a job, something to earn a little extra. All i can say is...this Sucks!

I just wanted yo to know how eveything is beginning to look bad,
that i don't really know if it's just me or am i really going mad,
it's like eveything i do ends up with failure and all i can do is draw another fag,
Living with hope that soon this will be over and soon I'll be dead
This is so pathetic, I know, it's probably gonna make you sad,
i just want you to know man, that you're the best friend that i ever had,
then again, my life's so fucked up, you're the only friend I ever had,
cause everyone else just seemed content to putting me down so damn bad,
well, i remmeber a lot of the stuff we used to, the things i'll never forget,
you're my homey, man, and nothing is ever going to change that.

chorus
These cold dark days, they keep on coming,
and i just can't seem to stop dreaming,
it's my only release from these thing called living,
where are you now, I'm still waiting.

hey, now, do you remember back then who we were and the stuff we used to do together?
and how we took our lives into our own hands and didn't give a shit about any other,
we never did care much about what they said or even if they lost their tether,
just like all the times my dad spent fuckin up our cash and beatin up on my mother,
we used to be so happy back then when we were young and things were so much better,
but now i know the consequence of ignorance as all my problems pile up all together,
i plead you, beg you, please come back and help me out of here,
cause I can take it no more, only you can make it better...

chorus

Bridge,
These days won't let me live,
and all my thoughs are so troubled,
I've nothing left to live for now
I'll take our memories to my grave

chorus

I barricade myself from these hopelessness and trouble,
on my mind it eats me up from all the way deep inside,
i cannot sleep tonight my dreams are all so troubled,
and everybody simply wants to push me back and start a fight,
though i never even wanted to be another rogue without a cause,
but then that's all i get to be in this muddle that we call life,
so tell me now is this the way that i must go on living?
when all around me everyone only care about dying...

Tell me now,
is this the answer to all our prayers,
Tell me now,
is there no way out of this endless fire
And tell me now,
where do i go to find my freedom?

Everyone i know they keep stepping on my back and using me without a care,
without fear that for once i might just decide to push right back,
even if it causes me to gain another wound on my battered soul,
It's just another hard-earned scar, in a body marred by internal wounds.
And do I have to look so far to see my hope and a way out of all of this,
Can't you come into my life, save me now and give me release,
from all of this .................

So, why don't you,
Tell me now.............

Cause all i want is release,
all i want is to be free,
all i want is to live free,
and now i want to die free!!!!!

tell me now,
..............

I'm scared... maybe terrified. My life is beginning to unravel and fall apart, and i feel like the ground underneath me is dissipating....like I'm standing on thin ice and below me is an endless dark well of dark murky void. Slowly, my sense of personal security is deteriorating and my future is filled with so much uncertainty. I'm being forced to face problems that i've never faced before and also to make decisions that will alter my life forever...in quick succesion. My mind is never at peace, except when I'm in Allry's arms, and my thoughts are full of dread and fear. What hope is left I don't know but it is all that is keeping from going insane or worse.

I'm afraid. And I feel so alone. I hyave friends...but I don't know if they'll ever understand what I'm going through, even if in my heart I know they will try their best. All my hope now lies with Allry and our love. We have been through a lot together and always our love has kept us safe and guided us. But things are getting worse now, and the problems we are facing are not singular but a multitude. I'm not losing my faith in our love... that will never happen. I'm just worried about the kind of decisions that we'll be forced to make soon. And I'm worried that Allry might get hurt somehow and that's something that I will never be able to stand.

I'm terrified.

Yeah, way to begin the first day of the new semester... hell, it was exhausting. Add that to the fact that there will be a test tomorrow, and you have one terribly hectic week ahead. Don't really know if it is that bad a thing...in fact, it is quite useful. This means that I get to shift right into top gear without any delays. This suits me perfectly. My only worry is the lack of time i have to do all the other things that I really need to do, like practice my guitar, writing my new book, posting my entries here... and so on...not to forget my debating. I have much to do in a rather limited time period. This is something that I'm not really accustomed to, but then again there is always a first time.

I guess it was slightly immature of me for hoping that the events of the past month would just die down and never be re-invoked. I feel hurt and betrayed by some of the things that have been said to me, yet I have none to tell it to. I am in this mess, though I have never wanted it nor asked for it. Others pushed me unfairly into this situation and have now left me to fight on my own. It does not end there. Now, I am being cruelly judged and thought of as a fool, with my judgement being given no value whatsoever. All I wish is to get on with my life and continue with the work I was doing. There is so much more stuff that I dream of doing now and am willing to work hard for. All I want is for this bad memories to be driven back and never be recalled again.

I feel so hurt. But I wont back down anymore. I must continue with what I am doing and see it through. This has been a very good week, if a bit tiring, and mostly due to the level of commitment I have invested into it. I have just got to keep doing it and hope that everything turns out fine. All I have now is the very thing that has been my guiding lght throughout my life. The one thing that has never let go of me and will always be part of me. The one thing that I can always rely on. It has always been enough and it will always be enough.

So often I feel like I'm trapped in a place I don't belong. I keep getting the feeling that I am just too different to be part of my family. I don't know how I got this way...just that I did. I no longer share the same values and ideals that my parents have... which leads to a lot of complications in my life.

Its hard for me to give priority to my future success and all that, because i am simply not that type of person. I don't know for sure... but my heart tells me that there is much more to life than just striving to earn and be successful. My parents don't care about all that...in fact they are afraid of it. They fear that I'm corrupt and in the wrong path for thinking that money and success does not matter.... they fear that I will dissappoint them.

Somehow, they can't understand that it is important for me to continue doing what I love to do...even if it means i have to struggle a little. I might not become rich and famous, but I'll be happy as long as I continue doing that which makes me happy, and I'm with the ones I care for most of all.

How does one think about self-progress when there is so much pain and suffering in this world? There is so much of wrongs that are being done...and there is nothing to stop it. I feel burdened somewhat and can never be satisfied until at least I've given my best shot.

2004-01-07 - 10:46 p.m.

NO ONE HAS A MONOPOLY ON THE TRUTH WHEN IT COMES TO SPIRITUALITY


THE ONLY THING THAT IS OBSCENE IS THIS WORLD ARE PEOPLE WHO TELL US WHAT IS OBSCENE


FIGHTING FOR PEACE IS LIKE FUCKING FOR VIRGINITY


FUCK ALL YOU RELIGIOUS PREACHERS!!!!!!

LIVE FREE, BREATHE FREE... DIE FREE!!!!

I'm listening to P.O.D right now as I write this.... that's Payable On Death for those who don't know. I'm not sure what track it is, but it has a heavily repeated question in it which got me thinking... Why do we do the things we do?

Because...? because of what... because of necessity? desire? anger? revenge? greed? What do we say when this question is put forth, asking us to explain our actions?

We make up excuses, some of us...or lies, to hide some unpleasant truth, or in some cases we even brush aside the question, saying that it is personal.

Why do we do the things we do? Is it because of our feelings? I think so... deep inside, everything we do is guided by our feelings... emotions guide the very essence of human beings. Rational thought is purely secondary in my mind. We are all victims of our greed, which takes various forms... from wealth to love. Our emotional needs, at times absurd, must be satisfied, or else it will consume us.

its been four days since the nightmare in Iran. The United States is sending aid to a country that it has not had any contact with for a decade... the result of all the stupid conflicts and wars. It takes a huge natural disaster and tens of thousands dead for us to put aside our differences... and we call ourselves civilized. Anyway, I digress...

I read this little clip in a news article and it had been haunting me for a while.


"This is the Apocalypse. There is nothing but devastation and debris," Mohammed Karimi, in his 30s, said at the cemetery, where he had brought the bodies of his wife and 4-year-old daughter.



"Last night before she went to sleep she made me a drawing and kissed me four times," he said of his daughter, Nazenine, whose body he held in his arms. "When I asked, 'Why four kisses?' she said, 'Maybe I won't see you again, Papa,'" Karimi told an AP photographer, as tears streamed down his face."-yahoo news.


Sometimes... we forget how much we have in our lives... even if they seem little.

Often during the course of these past few months, I have felt so lost and confused... as if the very ground beneath my feet might just crack and dissapear into a void of nothingness. Nothing felt certain. Everything I have ever believed in had been tested so badly, that i felt drained and powerless. At times, I even wondered if this was worth the effort... that maybe I should simply give in and turn back to the ways of the modern world. Throwing away all that I hold dear in my heart, everything that meant something to me. Even though in my heart I was aware that it would be the end of me.

I did not understand how these things have come to pass, how we have let ourselves fall so low into...

More than anything, faith is what I needed to rekindle my spirit. Faith that all is not lost... that I do have a purpose and that I must strive to fulfil it.

It is not the fear of failure which haunts me, but the fear that i may never be good enough to even try. That I might not get a chance. There is no knowledge of what time is left to me, but i know that i must decide with what I do have.

Something has changed now... an event that marks a turning point in my life. The fear and confusion has been lifted away, for I remember now all of that which matter most to me. I remember who I am and what i am here to do.

I needed to believe that there is something left that is worth fighting for, something good and pure. Now, my hope and faith have been returned to me, stronger than ever before and I shall not falter under the face of adversity. True, there is still uncertainty about this path that I choose, but I know now that I'm doing the right thing. I have always believed in true love, soemthing purer than anything else. Love that is unconditional,love that is beyond definiton. The type of love that happens between the truest of friends and partners. I was losing hope about its existance... except for the voice inside me which kept it alive. It may seem rare and non-existant at times, but it is nonetheless there. I believe in it now... and I will continue my fight for it. Whatever else happens to me, i will always remain true to my faith and I shall always be the Guardian.

The Truth.


Are we all blinded from the truth of what we are and why we are so? We are human beings, the Homo sapiens, a species among millions, or billions of other living species. We are not the conquerors of the world, the leaders of the world, nor do we have the right to claim lordship over those that may seem to be on a lesser level compared to us. Yet, this truth has been shielded from our reckonings, from our minds. We do not see clearly that which is as bright as the sun upon which our lives depend upon. It is true, we do not recognize the necessity of water until the wells run dry. We, the supposed kings of the earthly plane, the lords of the species, the intellectuals of Nature, do not realize nor visualize what is so plain to see, that we are not all those things. We do not hold lordship over other beings, animate or inanimate, just as we do not hold lordship over our brothers and sisters of the human kind. Materialism is but an illusion in which we seek to hide the true fears that threaten to overwhelm us otherwise. We choose to build and weave deceptions that everything in this plane is to be possessed, to be owned, by men who are capable of it. We speak everyday of discrimination and inequality among ourselves, as if we are the only ones who matter in this world. We human beings are but a breath of wind in the passage of time, an insignificant component of something far bigger and far more complex than any of us can imagine. We do not OWN, we do not LEAD, there is no yours and mine in this reality. Life is something everything has, in its own way, and just like human beings, everything in this existence has the right to freedom. When the time arrives when humanity sees its final dawn, the world will not end, the universe will not end. It will go on, continuing as if the passing of our kin is but a mere itch that does not necessitate scratching. Life will not end with us, but all that we have created, the lies, deceptions, illusions, together with the likes of industry, the arts and ethics, will follow us to our dark graves, forever buried within the very Earth from which we sprung from. This is how far our relevance in reality really is, very little indeed. Like the darkness that follows the setting of the Sun, our existence will be ended and be followed by a period of night and shadows. The lands will lie in smoke and ruins, life, it seems, nowhere in existence. Our fires of technology and progress will one day destroy our world, that is of no doubt, for it will become to powerful even for us to control. Our foolishness shall wipe out all life on Earth, or so it may seem. Life, however, is not mortal. We must not blind ourselves by thinking that our end heralds the end of everything else, for it does not. Life will continue, our world has many ways to heal and regenerate itself. How this may happen is beyond the guessing of any being, but rest assured that it would.




How would humans be able to make up their own reality without having evidence in the physical world of such existences? Through the passing of time, we have lost our way because of the illusions that we invented to supplement our lives so we may never have to face the true answers. There is no god, for the truest meaning of god is fear. God means fear, in the simplest and most basic of forms, no matter the language one speaks or the culture that one comes from. Human beings fear things that they do not understand. When there is something that we fear, we try to destroy it, which is our nature. But if that something is immaterial and cannot be destroyed, we make up illusions or pretend that it is simply not there. In this case, we have managed to substitute the true meaning of the universe with a supposedly all-powerful being called God. We have no prove that this plane was indeed made by a singular entity. It is far too complex and immense for that to be true, in any circumstance. It is an invalid assumption due to the reality that this universe is so awesome, too awesome for one singular being to be able to perceive. No, God is a mere pretension, a weak, almost lame, substitute for something we do not have the ability to comprehend, something beyond us. We must not be foolish by thinking that we can make up our own truth about the universe for in time, we will know the truth. We are, after all, living creatures and one day we will find out the truth about our existence. We don’t have to make up illusions because of our fears.


There are more than enough boundaries and borders that separate an individual being from another naturally. Species, gender, age, physique, personality, preferences… attributes that are innate to specific individuals in this world. Why, then, is it necessary for human beings to ‘invent’ even more of this boundaries that further separate us from each other? Why must there be race? Why must there be religion? Why must there be slavery, discrimination, customs and so on? An age-old debate, which surprisingly, still persists to this day, when human beings are supposed to know better than to judge a fellow brother or sister by the color of their skins. In differing parts of this world, in the hearts of the many human civilizations, the nations are rife with the war between races and religions as members of various races fight each other, claiming supremacy over the other. In certain countries, there exist people who have come to believe that interracial harmony is a possibility. Well, it is a foolish and misguided thought. Deep down within, any person who believes in a certain religion and claims to be part of a particular race, is sure to feel a certain amount of animosity and disrespect towards people of other ‘races’ and ‘religions’, although they disguise these feelings on the outside. In the end, they still end up sticking to their own ‘race’ and would prefer not to mingle with the others. This is the painful truth. Interracial harmony is a sorry excuse for something that can never be attained unless race and religion is completely removed from our lives. There will be no true peace among human beings until the last vestiges of Islam, Hinduism, Christianity, Buddhism, Jewish, and every other religion is discarded and we bring ourselves to face what is real and pure in our lives. We must recognize that the only things that separate us from each other are the lack of a touch, the lack of a common tongue, and most importantly the lack of love.

SOmetimes it does feel pathetic, even to myself... hell, I'm the writer and I get disgusted at my own work. Despite the fact that I am not a perfectionist, i still find that dissatisfaction and dissapoitment is prevalent when i review some of the things I have done. Just human, I guess. But then again, these thoughts are there for a reason... they represent the way i feel about my life, and the world in general.... okay, maybe not so general. :)

Currently, the biggest dillemma i am facing is decididng what to do next, as in further education. Some people think I'm smart and all that... I'm smart enough not to believe them. hahaha. No, this is not low self-esteem. I work with both my heart and mind, which isn't the requirement for a smart, successful, modern 'individual', at least not the way others see it. The term would be romantic idealist... i never was a fan of categorizing. I have to much baggage to be a quality achiever in this world of cunning, backstabbing opportunists. Understandable, to a certain point.