Marriage is over-rated. Seriously over-rated. We give it way too much importance, without even stopping to think about what it actually is. There is a very obvious reason why the institution of marriage is crumbling down these days, in the face of gender empowerment. Marriage is a tool of patriarchy; it is one of the last remaining bastions of an ancient obsolete and utterly useless tradition.

Yet, the majority of human beings in the world hold tight to the concept and practice of marriage as if it is the most important event in one's life. This regardless of the person's gender. Even women (or maybe even more so than men) give marriage a sanctity that it really does not deserve. Of course, more often than not, these same people are the ones who hold firm to the idea that one particular gender is superior than the other. There are still people who even believe in celibacy till their wedding days. Never mind that. What is crucial at this point is for us to try and objectively study the whole idea of marriage for what it really is.

The first thing to note, and probably most importantly, is that marriage a purely human construct. An institution that was put in place for a particular purpose, a long long time ago. Essentially, it was our way of telling others that the couple in question are somehow bonded to each other in an extra-social manner. It is a glorified public announcement that a woman now belongs to a particular man. Fidelity, although outwardly expected of both the husband and the wife, is more forcibly applicable upon the wife, in many societies across time and place. The institution, like many others, is evidence of the rise of the materialistic and property-based societies; groups of people living together, requiring a sense of order and more importantly control over the rest. Marriage is a perfect way of sealing deals, setting up a home, creating new power relationships, etc. back then, wives were treated like property; marriage is a process 'officiating' the ownership of the wife.

Being Indian and having grown up among typically Indian families has given me enough evidence that marriage is more often than not an enforcement of patriarchy. The gender inequality is still strong and rampant in many Indian families, even in Malaysia, even in a city like Kuala Lumpur. It is strangely ironic that some of the most successful women in my extended family are the ones who are as yet unmarried, either out of reluctance or simple disregard. Such women are vilified as being incomplete, shames to their parents, etc, despite the fact that they are mostly highly educated, self-sufficient and independent (that's a tad repetitive, ain't it?).

When we look at societies where there are significant advancements in terms of empowerment and gender equality, we find that the institution of marriage is almost broken down completely. It is not an obvious process; what we do notice is the increased occurrence of couples who prefer to stay unmarried and the exponentially increasing divorce rate. Divorce rates are much higher in countries where women are more liberated. Coincidence? You decide.

Marriage is ridiculous. It is childish. It is demeaning and totally useless. Only people who need to prove their false power and control seek it. Either that or women who have little girl fantasies about wedding parties (now that was indeed a very mean and sexist thing to say, but I feel it might help make us re-think our perceptions of the whole idea of marriage). If two people, any two mature adults who have enough wisdom, want to be together, they do not need to put it down on a paper or make a public announcement that they are officially married. They can do so, no problem there, but as a celebration, and not as a contract of bondage. The meaning of marriage should change, its importance needs to be diminished for it to mean anything good. In the context of true human relationships, it should mean nothing more than a name.

A Different Kind of Friend

If you need me,

Whenever you think of me,

Think of me as your friend,

Even if it may not seem as obvious,

Even when it seems so different

I may not be the friend,

That gives you utmost joy,

But I will be there,

When you need me the most,

I’ll be your pillar

I may not be the life of the party,

May not be sky and the birds and the wind,

But I will be the ground under your feet,

The grass you lay upon,

I’ll be your shelter

I may not be the one

who brings you heaven and paradise,

but I will be the one

to walk through hell for you,

I’ll be your guardian angel

In darkness you will find me,

I’ll be the hand that will reach you,

And lead the way,

Through that very shadow of death

So you may live on,

My friend…

CASSIE...

This is an interesting piece by Flyleaf, a band that I have mentioned before. It is a song called Cassie, which is roughly about a girl involved in the Columbine incident. Screams of emo, one might think, but it is actually a surprisingly subtle look at the kind of values and moral codes and thoughts that might have gone through a person's mind to determine the courses of action that they take. Mosley's voice in this acoustic version is just as powerful as the original.

-Love is when you realise that you are not the centre of the universe; someone else is-

We fight, we bicker, we hold each other, we scream at each other- sometimes we cannot stand one another, sometimes we wonder how we might survive without each other. Someone said that you like someone for their strengths, but you love them for their flaws. Thinking about it, it does seem to make sense. That is what truly caring for someone is like. It is when the one we love are at their worst that we discover how deep our feelings for them go. We are proud and happy for them during the good times, but during the bad times, when they reveal sides that are normally kept hidden, do we discover our own truths.

I have learned, throughout my life, that it is very much possible to love yet absolutely not be able to stand a person. It is a strange combination indeed, but then again, no more stranger than everything else. It is possible to really love someone and want to spend every living moment with them. Sometimes they are the same person. Such a person could be so different from us to the point that we might never be able to accept their ways of thinking and their actions. We might hate their guts, but at the very same time, those are the very things that we love most, because they are things that we ourselves lack and somewhere deep inside, long for.

It is the only explanation i can think of to explain why it is possible for us to dislike and love someone at the same time. After a certain point, we probably need to grow up and start developing an understanding of why it is so, otherwise we might becoming really miserable and troubled. The essence of a conflicted relationship which affects both parties yet both are terrified of letting go. It becomes an addiction, and sooner or later it will end in tragedy for one or both. its true, as wonderful as love can be, it is often blind to many things, especially if the person themselves are immature and naive. Love is such that it is pure, and does not take into account anything else; any one is capable of love, young, old, purple, whatever, but being in love is not enough to ultimately nurture a relationship.

In many was, being in love is just the first step of something much bigger. Although, to be perfectly honest, love is the most important thing. It is like going on a really long and difficult journey; the most important thing is that first step. Nothing else matters. Love is that first step, the catalyst, the reason. It would be a long and difficult journey, make no mistake, because otherwise it would simply not be worth anything. Some lessons can only be learned by living them.

A lot of maturity is needed in order to deal with being in a difficult relationship. Family members are the perfect examples. Sometimes, even siblings can really be total opposites, and might not be able to even stand within talking distance of each other without trying to kill each other. Parents who seem to fight non-stop are another example. Family is family, and for most of us, no matter how difficult it gets, we can never imagine being without our families, although sometimes we might wish that we could just run away or disappear.

Is there a good way to handle difficult relationships? I do not know. I do not even know what a good way means. I do know this, though. It takes maturity to not let it collapse completely and come crashing down. The most important thing is understanding the other person as well as we possibly can. On the surface, it might seem simple, but to truly understand somebody, it takes a lot of time, effort and patience. Even if a person is really different from us, we can still learn to understand them for who they are. We understand that they are different, we understand how they are different, and we understand why they are different, and having that knowledge we can then proceed to see how they are really not at all different from ourselves. paradoxes, you might say, but that is what I have learned so far. I am afraid it is not something that can be explained with words. One really needs to learn it on their own.

Maybe with such knowledge, we might then start to come to terms with the relationship. The problems and the conflicts always seem to start with one thing; unfulfilled expectations. This leads to dissatisfaction and so on. Expectations are very dangerous things, they are like poison in a relationship. When people are different from us, it would be very wrong to place our own expectations and values upon them. We would do it anyway, because we love them and we want what is best for them. This is where being in love is no longer the most important ingredient. Our intentions may be good, but we need to always have the maturity and awareness to realise that our ways may not always be best, just like a parent who has to learn to let go of their offspring at some point so they may forge their own path through life. We need to be careful with whatever expectations that we place on others, especially on loved ones. it is done subconsciously sometimes, which makes it even more dangerous, hence the need to be extra aware and cautious. We need to try as hard as we can to not judge them by our own standards.

There are times when we really want to help that person, because they seem to be in such trouble that we simply have to get involved and try to do something. Holding back that urge can be just as difficult. We would love someone so much that we would want to try and change them, and if we somehow succeed, then we realise that they are no longer the same person that we used to love. People change, that is inevitable, but it is important that they change on their own terms, that they learn their own lessons, rather than us putting them into molds and forcing them to fit in. Learning to step back and giving space is a very important part of caring for someone. The important thing is not smothering them, but being there when we are really needed.