I just got back from a really busy, hectic, holiday. Seriously, I have never been this active during any previous holiday season. I suppose it is a good thing, although, in retrospect, there are many things that I was supposed to do but failed to-namely, applying for University in the States. I did initially intend to use this semester break to apply, but with all the happenings and trips that came about, it was almost impossible to find time to do much else. Anyway, the holidays proved to be something of a mixed bag. I do not really know exactly where to start because there is just so much to talk about, so I will just go with the spur of the moment.


Hmmm.... this just occurred to me. I will list down the activities and events that took place this past month by order of impact on a personal level-as in, which ones had the greatest significance to me. Here goes:

1. R.AGE - I have been pondering the idea of becoming more active in the world or journalism and editorials. The more I think about it, it seems like a good idea. Writing articles does give me the chance to talk about the issues and topics that concern and interest me, and I have to admit that I do not really find a lot that is unappealing about journalism. Well, independent journalism, anyway. A big reason for this has been R.AGE, the editorial that is published specifically for the higher education student body by local newspaper giant, STAR. By good fortune, I have been able to become an active participant in several activities conducted by the R.AGE staff. My new-found interest in photography was sparked off by a workshop that I participated conducted by R.AGE, after all. I have also had several other opportunities to make a mark in the editorial, and I have to say that the experience has been nothing short of thoroughly enjoyable. I would not mind delving even further at all.

2. Hometown blues- I made some very uncomfortable and saddening discoveries these past few weeks about my relationship with the rest of my 'blood' kin. For most people, family is
something they treasure more than anything in the world, and they would sacrifice anything for their blood. When people go for family reunions and such, they usually feel as though they are coming home to a place where they truly belong. I went back to my hometown a couple of weeks back. A huge number of my family on my mother's side had gathered there as well, for a reunion of sorts. I usually enjoy going back to my childhood home. The place has a special meaning to me. It is not only physically beautiful with its lush and majestic geography, but the fact that I spent my childhood there has made the place something of a safe haven for me. However, when I went back for that reunion, I immediately realized that things were no longer the same. I still loved the place that remained. But it no longer felt like home. It was not the place, but the people. That trip revealed to me with start clarity just how different I had become from the rest of my relatives, so much that we seemed to have opposing views on EVERYTHING (Well, to be honest, it was mostly them talking, me nodding and not bothering to argue). The thing is, I just felt SO isolated and alone, an outcast. I am talking about people who brought me up, whom I used to look up to and respect and love. I still love them, but I no longer feel like I am one of them. Instead, just listening to them talk about their irrational prejudices, their misguided values and beliefs, their frightening racism...it just makes me feel so angry and sad. It was during this time that I realized that, my place is no longer with them...that I had to move on to somewhere new, where my own experiences and knowledge is much more at HOME. I guess this is what it means to grow up and forge your own identity....I just wish it did not have to come at the price of having to lose touch with your heritage. I wish it upon nobody, yet I myself am forced to bear this burden.

3. Ok, that was pretty serious, so I shall bring about something a bit more positive. I went on several pretty good holidays trips. The best one was the trip to Genting Highlands. There are several reasons for this, but the two main ones are a) the other holidays were not quite as good and b) the company. Genting Highlands is this little hilltop resort sort of place, with a theme park, hotel and malls. The place was heavily misted, and it was raining and the conditions were as awful as it could possibly get. If you're wondering why I put this as the best of the trips, I will explain later. The second trip was to Malacca, a historical town down South with my family. This was a decent trip, and I got to see the town at night, which was pretty cool. Then I went on a day trip to this crappy little waterpark in this dump of a place called Pedas for a family day. The reason I liked this trip was because my little niece was part of the group. She makes any trip worthwhile. The last of the holidays,was to Cameron Highlands, another hill resort. Even though it had its good points, this last one was a let-down of epic proportions. All these trips gave me the chance to think about something very important. What is the key to a great holiday? Is it the place? Perhaps, I guess, to a certain extent. For one thing, if it indeed was the place that mattered, then Camerons should have been my favorite and Genting the worst. Camerons was a treasure chest of panorama, beauty, nature and beauty. The place had sweeping, awesome valleys filled with tea plantations and beautiful jungle treks-its beauty was simply unmatched. Yet, for some reason, I did not really enjoy my stay there. So, the place is not the most important thing. Then, I started to consider the key differences between the trips I enjoyed and the ones I did not. To my shock, I realised it was not the place at all that mattered. It was the company. It was who I traveled with. My two favorites by a mile had been the trip to two pathetic places- Genting and Pedas Wet World. Why? Because in the case of Pedas, I went there with someone I really care about and enjoy being with, my five-year old niece. It made me so happy watching her play in the waterslides and floating around a pool on a tube with her, chattering away like a noisy cricket. Surprisingly, I see myself in her more than anyone else, and she respond to me better than anyone else. In the case of Genting, well, again, it was the company. The wonder and sweetness of traveling with a best friend to someplace far and different is something everyone would enjoy, regardless of the destination.
The trip was supposed to include three of us, but even though there were only two, it was still quite nice. Now that I think about it, despite the soggy weather and the rip-off, crappy, food, and the long queues at the rides, there was not a moment of it that I would have wanted to forget. It is so different from what happened in Camerons and Malacca. In both these places, where the natural beauty of the place far outshines the first two, I had a not-so-good time. It hurts me to say his, but I have to be honest. I did not enjoy it because I went to these places with my family. It is not that I do not like my family...it is the opposite, actually. The problem is that my family just does not click together as a unit very well.
We do not hate each other, and we are very supportive and loving. It is just that all four of us are just so damn different from each other that we simply cannot spend too much time together without quarrelling. I have no idea how we ended up like this. We are not dysfunctional, just extremely incompatible, which is a hilarious thing to say about a family. I honestly would love to be able to go on trips with my family and have fun, but seeing things as they are, I doubt that it is going to be remotely possible. Maybe, in the future, when I have my own family, I can come back and start fresh, as a different person, with my current family. I don't know...maybe it is just simply the nature in which all things happen. Children moving on, people changing.....Alright, then, I think I have written quite a lot for today. It covers the important stuff I think. Oh, and how could I forget. KING KONG ROCKS and so does PETER JACKSON!!!
Till next time.

Illegal Immigrants

We use this term so easily…so naturally. That is how we have been taught to think. Have we ever stopped to consider exactly what it means? Not just on the surface level, but also the implications and the connotations of the term ‘illegal immigrants’. Just take a second to think about it. Who comes to mind when the term ‘immigrant’ is mentioned? Who comes to mind when the term ‘illegal immigrant’ is mentioned? I am pretty sure that each of us has a certain kind of mental perception of an illegal immigrant.

Of course, it is important to note that for people from different states and countries, the term means different things. The basic premise or the so-called ‘definition’ of illegal immigrant is someone who is somewhere they are not supposed to be in without proper legal documentation. In reality, this term carries a lot more meanings. If you think about it, who on earth is illegal? Why do we have the right to decide whether another person has the permission to stay somewhere or be somewhere? An illegal immigrant in America, for example, could include anyone from a poor, innocent, female Hispanic maid without a permit to a full blow terrorist. It does not seem to matter… they are both treated the same; as illegal immigrants.

In Malaysia, the government uses its biggest weapon, the media, to paint a really ugly image of illegal immigrants. In Malaysia, the so-called illegal immigrants are the poor, desperate labor workers from Indonesia, Thailand, Philippines and Bangladesh, among others. They come here to this ‘wonderful’ country, leaving their families, dignity, and pride behind in the hopes of finding a job that can help them and their families survive. They need to do this because the situation in their own countries renders them incapable of making a living, either because they are being persecuted in the name of ethnic cleansing (The Rohingyas of Burma) or they are simply the victims of tragedy (Aceh). The saddest part is that these people cannot afford the proper legal way to come here, because of the high costs of getting documents and flight tickets and so they are forced to put their fate in the hands of underground syndicates to carry them to Malaysia. These immigrants, as you can see, are not criminals… they are victims.

Yet, how do we treat them? We are immigrants ourselves. Yet, we treat our own brothers and sisters who immigrate to Malaysia in search of hope in the same manner we treat rats and vermin. We round them up, wherever we can find them, assemble them in the streets, lock them up, put them away in detention camps and then abuse them before shipping them back. Sounds horrible? Well, that is exactly what our wonderful authorities do. For evidence, just look up for information on the Semenyih detention camps, repatriation, mass deportations and the sad case of Mangal Bahadur Gurung of Nepal. You will see that I am not pulling your legs.

You might argue that illegal immigrants are the cause of a lot of social problems; maids kidnapping children, workers raping local women, prostitution… bla bla bla. Ever notice that the only agents that tells us all these stories are the local papers and news? The very agents that are the fingers of the government? The truth is this; illegal immigrants in Malaysia, have the lowest crime rate among all the other races. They also happen to be the main driving force behind the economy due to manual labor in plantations and so on. The above-mentioned problems, such as prostitution, are not the fault of the immigrants. THEY ARE VICTIMS! They are often innocent young girls who are kidnapped from their countries by irresponsible individuals who force them to work in brothels and make a large profit out of it. Yet, who is it that we see in the papers? We see the girls being hounded out by police officers who intimidate and humiliate them even further. We do not see photos of the ring leaders being busted and the girls being freed and protected. We see the girls being arrested, put in lock-ups and forced to undergo ‘strip-squats’!

This is the truth, ladies and gentlemen, of how we Proud, Dignified, Wonderful Malaysians treat our poor, desperate neighbors who come to our country seeking hope and survival. This is what it means to be Malaysian. Be VERY PROUD OF IT!!!!

MALAYSIA BOLEH !!!!

“Heck,” Atticus’s back was turned. “If this thing’s hushed up, it’ll be a simple denial to Jem of the way I’ve tried to raise him. Sometimes I think I’m a total failure as a parent, but I’m all they’ve got. Before Jem looks at anyone else he looks at me, and I’ve tried to live so I can look squarely back at him… If I connived at something like this, frankly I couldn’t meet his eye, and the day I can’t do that I’ll know I’ve lost him. I don’t want to lose him and Scout, because they’re all I’ve got.”

Moral conflicts are often impossible to reconcile. For most of us, pragmatism is the seemingly appropriate option. We would rather take the easy, profitable way out rather than do what is ultimately right. Most of us would rather suffer the trials of our conscience than the trials of society. This does not apply to Atticus Finch, a man whose moral principles are so strong that he will not let anything budge him from doing what is right, regardless of the consequences. The statement above reveals the strength of his beliefs in bringing up his children; so much so that he does not want to hide what he thought was the truth of what happened to Jem and Scout as well as the murder of Bob Ewell.

Is a man like Atticus Finch a member of a rare and dying breed of people? How many individuals in our society today have the sort of courage and backbone to stand up against what they know to be wrong and defend what is right at all costs? How many of us, on the other hand, would rather just turn a blind eye towards the many wrongs in our world, just to maintain our own secure comforts? It seems as if most of us would rather keep our own selfish pleasures, even if those luxuries come at the cost of someone else’s suffering. In the case of To Kill a Mockingbird, it was the white society that was enjoying the comforts provided to them by the subjugation of the blacks.

To some of us, Atticus Finch would seem to be an irrational idiot or a romantic idealist. To others, he is a hero and a champion. The beauty of Atticus is that to him, it never really mattered what others thought of him, except his children and himself. He found contentment and happiness from the simple knowledge that he lived his life according to good conscience, the knowledge that his children would always be able to look to him for guidance and also the knowledge that he had tried his hardest to do some good in the world. The last part was epitomized by his defense of Tom Robinson and his championing of the black community. Ultimately, he found satisfaction in his way of life and would have been able to sleep easy, so what right do any of us have to judge him? How many of us can say the same thing about ourselves, looking at the way we live? We are aware of so many evils in our society yet we refuse to make a stand? Can we ever achieve any amount of satisfaction and contentment in the way we live?

When it comes to pioneering of new ideas, fresh innovations and authenticity, Americans, regardless of validity, consider themselves to be on the top of the list. Fiercely proud and protective of their way of life, Americans value the ideals and principles that they feel is distinctively theirs, defined succinctly as the American Dream. The Dream emphasizes individualism, ambition, capitalism, productivity, freedom and democracy- the very keystones of American society. Every American individual who wishes to find success would do well to remember and adhere to these values; every American author who wishes to hold the right to be called an ‘American author’ would do well to harp on those time-honored American ideals. Such is the importance of the American Dream. Such is the importance of Mark Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

Why did Hemingway claim Huck Finn to be the most important of all American novels? Why is there so much relevance and controversy attached to this book, essentially a tale of freedom? The answer is this; it is a book about freedom on American soil. The connotations of this are plentiful. Huckleberry Finn is the narrative version of the pioneering spirit of Americans; the discovery of new frontiers and the breakdown of the old and the obsolete. It is also a story of equality and camaraderie- two things that are highly valued among Americans yet, at the same time, in direct contradiction to the original American values of individualism and capitalism.

One of the first major importances of this novel to Americans is the fact that it is set in America. It is one of the first pillars of American literature to have truthfully and realistically depicted America as America, a sign of the rising pride among the citizens of that great nation. Twain’s use of local dialects and accent, together with the various nuances and eccentricities of the different classes of American society, is a far cry from the works of his predecessors, whose major interest seemed to be not on American life, but on those of Europe. Twain did not look further than his own home on the Mississippi for inspiration; he did not feel the need to do so. For Mark Twain, life on American soil was just as fascinating and intriguing as anywhere else. This pioneering attitude of the author sets the tone for most other American writers that followed.

The same goes for the theme of freedom and equality that is so prominent in the book. Whether it is Huck trying to escape the shackles of civilization or Jim trying to escape the shackles of slavery, the key issue here is the importance of freedom to Americans. Twain highlights the wonders and pleasures of living a simple life on a raft, free from the fetters of ‘sivilisation’. On a deeper level, the book depicts the struggle among the Americans to free themselves from the old social norms of aristocracy and discrimination and the forging of their own identity as a free and democratic society, without the irrational rules and stratifications common at that time.

The reason Huck Finn is so highly important to Americans is plain to see. No other book so ‘accurately’ captures the American spirit. It is a literary work that still remains important and will do so for a long time to come, so much so that it has become an American institution.

Considered by many as the first American poet, Anne Bradstreet (1612-1672) represents more than just another echelon of American literature. Her works may have very well been the starting point of feminism in America and the first step in the long road to the emancipation of women. Bradstreet wrote with considerable restrain, obviously in fear of the prejudiced reactions of her society towards women who display intellectual pursuits. However, wherever she exchanged directness with caution, she did so by infusing a huge amount of sarcastic wit and subtle fury, a testament to her true feelings about certain issues.

In “The Tenth Muse Lately Sprung Up in America, by a Gentlewoman of Those Parts” (1650), Bradstreet showcased some of her sharpest and most biting criticism towards societal norms concerning women. The fifth stanza sheds ample light on the way people of those times tended to look down upon female acts of intellect;

“For such despite they cast on female wits,

If what I do prove well, it won’t advance,

They’ll say its stol’n, or else it was by chance” (Bradstreet, 5)

These lines suggest a personal edge to her anger. There may have been incidents in her life where she had been scorned or apprehended for her endeavors in the creative field. Bradstreet showed very little restrain in these lines, preferring to hit at the heart of the problem, which proves that she herself was very frustrated at being shackled because she was a woman.

The following lines, also from “The Tenth Muse”, set the tone for the coming struggle for emancipation;

“Men can do best, and women know it well,

Preeminence in all and each is yours,

Yet grant some small acknowledgment of ours.” (Bradstreet, 7)

Although seemingly contradictory and un-feministic at first, the above lines actually are very subtle and cunning seeds of discontent that Bradstreet was trying to sow among members of society, especially young women. She chose to feed upon the lack of appreciation that women were suffering from while at the same time aiming to instill a sense of guilt among prejudiced individuals who viewed women as an inferior class.

Anne Bradstreet’s cautious and well-thought out approach to dealing with gender discrimination in the Puritan times proved to be an important stepping stone for the emancipation movement in America. She successfully avoided the trap of being branded an outcast or deviant while still generating enough food for thought that inspired feminism.

Two Perfect Reasons To Turn Gay

I am a huge football fan, HUGE. And no, I ain't a homosexual. In fact, I'm about as straight as it gets. Not that I'm homophobic...no, as a matter of fact, I am totally for gay peoples' emancipation. If ever I had a reason (or two) to turn gay, football has given me two.
Jamie Carragher and Steven Gerrard.
It hardly gets better than these two. Both have, at one time or another, been nicknamed Mr. Liverpool. They are the foundations of the current team; the captains, leaders in so many ways. Each one epitomises the undying spirit of a legendary club filled with history and glory and pride. Neither of these two know the meaning of defeat or giving up and will run themselves to the ground for the sake of their beloved club. Commitment and loyalty does not get better than this.A good team is one that works well together; one of the most important things to achieve this cohesion is a strong, inspirational leader, a captain. Liverpool FC has been captained by many famous names; Dalglish, Thompson, Hyypia...and now Steven Gerrard. In my opinion, the greatest player in the world at the moment is the Liverpool captain, regardless of what they say of Ronaldinho. In a time when most big-name players leave their initial clubs to other clubs for the sake of better pay, Gerrard, despite enormous pressure and temptations, stayed put and declared that he could never leave his beloved hometown club. He even offered to give up the captain's armband, but his teammates and manager told him firmly to keep it where it is; on his capable and ever-willing shoulder. Every time that he scores, he goes to celebrate with the fans. More than scoring himself, he loves to help his teammates do so, typified by his painstaking efforts to help Peter Crouch break his scoring duct. The Ultimate Captain and the Ultimate Player.

Another thing that any good team needs is a backbone, a defense that is consistent, reliable... unbreakable. Jamie Carragher is all of these and then some. He is Liverpool through and through, and no other club would bother trying to sign him because they know he would never ever think of leaving. Liverpool's Player of The Season last time out, Carra was the main reason for Liverpool's success in the Champions League, as Gerrard himself is quick to point out. Solid in defense, together with his immaculate and excellent partner Sami Hyypia, Carra has been a rock in the face of some of Europe's finest attacks; Juventus, Chelsea, and Milan all found fell to dust at his Scouser feet.

This is why I keep thinking, if ever I turned gay, then these two would be the main reasons for it. As it is, I already consider them my favorite footballers in the world.

We took this photo in a park next to this shopping complex called One Utama. It is not anything special, but the shot came out really colourful and bright, and I saw a chance to play around with it and bring out the bright vibes in it. Didn't turn out too bad, though some might find it a little garish.

Shadow shot...
This shot was taken during a trip to Batu Caves, Kuala Lumpur. For those who might not know, Batu Caves is a holy site for Hindus in Malaysia, and during a three day festival in February each year, thousands flock to the hill, where they ascend a 2000-tier staircase up to a network of enormous caves, within which is located a temple.
This particular shot was taken at ground level. There were several new temples under construction in the vicinity and this was one of them, situated at the outskirts. The monument had steps leading up to the altar area and we snapped this particular shot standing against a backdrop of streetlights on the steps. The shadows are of my friends and I. I am the one snapping the photo. heh.

Baby Shash... My wonderful little pocket-dynamite of a niece

I got my heartbroken.... Nah... Just foolin around at Coffee Bean 

The time between this and my previous post says it all. This time it was intentional. I simply decided to wait out till the end of the semester before I posted anything new. The reason, well, I am not too sure... Just wanted to wait. Anyway, I wasn't planning on abandoning this or anything. There's been a lot of new developments in life for me, but I'll not talk about it right now, maybe in the coming days. For now, I would just liek to relate this experience I had last night. The first part of it, anyway.

It is not often that I remember my dreams... in fact, I hardly ever do. Most dreams only remain in my memory a few minutes after I awake before vanishing entirely. Bot this time. Not this dream... or nightmare. Rarely have I been able to recall a dream so vividly and with such frightening clarity. The only other time in recent memory was when I dreamt of having my first child... my baby daughter with Allry. That was a pleasant dream, a vision of pure joy, something I have built my life around. This new dream...well, it is nothing short of a vision of hell.
I do not know why it came to me, and I do not know how it was so vivid and realistic. Dreams, even nightmares, are just exaggerations of emotions that we have experienced before-feelings and memories. This dream... this dream came out of nowhere. I have heard of suppressed memories and such, but I am pretty sure that nothing of this sort ever happened to me. It could not have. I know I have never experienced tornadoes or the end of the world first hand.
For that is what I dreamt of. The end.

Well, not exactly. Before I go confusing you even further, let me start from the beginning of the nightmare.

I remember coming back home with a few others. We were in a car. I am not sure, but I think the others were my family members. I remember my mother. Everything was normal, nothing unusual, we were just driving along the highway. We were talking, loudly, and arguing, among other things. My parents always argue, so I assume my dad was there as well. The reason I am not sure is because I was not paying attention. I remember I was looking outside of the window, at the trees and stuff as we drove past.
Then there was this loud explosion. Nothing ear-shattering or screeching, just a huge 'BOOM', the type that thunder makes. It came from a distance, i could tell from the muffled nature of the sound. Anyway, it was loud enough to cause the earth to quake and whoever had been driving lost control and the car swerved. I think we ran into the side railing, because we had to get out of the car. I was not paying attention again, because something else much more important was taking place. Before I go on, I should mention that at this point, I was in a daze. A numbness had come over me, because what I was seeing in front of my eyes simply was not registering.
A huge black wall of dust and cloud and smoke was moving towards the city out of nowhere. When I say huge, I mean miles wide and from the sky to the ground high. I have no idea what it was and I was watching it with morbid fascination. Everywhere it touched the earth, it ripped it apart, leaving this frightening trail of destruction. As it approached us, I noticed that it was moving extremely fast. Someone must have pulled me, because I started running towards the buildings, all the while keeping an eye on the Black Wall. It was then the fear started creeping in. It was irrational. What I was witnessing was nothing compared to the emotional and psychological ordeal that I was about to endure. It was this that has left such a irreversible impact on me.
So we continued running until we reached what looked like an office building. We ran inside, and I saw that others were doing the same. People were in shock, some unable to move, some just screaming wildly. I was so confused. I didn't know what was happening.
Then the ground started to shake again, this time continuosuly. It was gradual. The wind suddenly picked up really fast. I lloked around but I could no longer see the black wall. People stopped running as well. Everyone was lloking around in shher confusion. Then the truly hysterical screaming started. Then, it truly began.
It was as if the sky was opening up to swallow us. A huge dark portal came down from the sky and another sprouted up from the ground to meet it. I have never before witnessed the formation of a tornado or a cyclone, except in the movies, but here I was seeing it first-hand. I know some of you might think I am just describing a scene from Day After Tomorow, and I am pretty sure that's where I got the imagination from, but that still does not explain the other elements. Like the sound, and the quaking of the eart. AND THE SHEER MAJESTY AND SCALE OF WHAT I WAS WITNESSING. It felt real. Too much so. I cannot explain it further.
It was not jsut the one tornado. There were others forming everywhere. They were causing so much destruction. Buildings were being torn down. What had been a pleasant sunny day suddenly changed so drastically. The sky was on fire. Dark, crimson flames...I really have no way of putting it into words. Just imagine being in that reality. You have these huge tornadoes, ripping into your world, and the skies above you were bleeding... My heart and my soul felt frozen solid, fragile enough to crack into a million pieces. Fear became terror. I watched on as the machines of destruction tore everything down.
The next thing I knew I was inside this bus, being driven away from the ruined city. I was staring out the back, watching as the tornadoes continued to reap their havoc.

When people ask me what it is I do in life, I very often struggle to give a clear, satisfactory answer. It is not because I do not know what I am doing with my life, but because I cannot answer in a way that will satisfy the one who asks. That can be slightly frustrating at times, as I leave myself open to judgment by others, and more often than not, the final opinion that people have of me is not very favorable. A has-been, a hopeless case, a badly-brought up child, lost in the wilderness... the list goes on and on.
Many of my family members firmly believe that I should be doing something else. I am told that I am wasting my time. However, when I ask them what I should rather be doing, they never give me a proper reply. Well, at least nothing more than a superficial answer; I should be trying for a good univeristy, I should get a strong medical degree, I should be aiming to get a good job and make lots of money... Wonderful dreams that many parents would harbor for their children. Yet, why is it that something deep within me just is not able to accept this? Why is there this nagging voice inside me that says that there is more to life than what I have been told?
What is it to be human? What is it to be a person? I am neither wise enough nor foolish enough to propose answer to these questions, but for what it is worth, I have something to say, nonetheless. What is it to be human? I have this body, this persona, that allows me to... act. Motion is one certainty, at least to me, that I possess, or at least, am capable of. Feelings, both physical and spiritual, subtle and shocking, painful and pleasurable, are these certainties. Yet, what does it all mean? Why must I feel these things that give me the knowledge, this notion, of humanity? Why and how must I live with the knowledge of my inevitable death? As far as I can tell, that is what it means to be human.
In that sense, I might now try to answer the person who asks about what I am doing with my life by saying that I am attempting to figure out what to do with these knowledge that I have of my humanity. Hence, I am trying to deal with my emotions, my thoughts and also the knowledge of my mortality. I could say that... but what would be the point? What would I get in return? Blank stares? Those are actually pretty mild. I am more likely to be told to get a life... literally. So I guess we can forget about that answer.
What is it to be a person? I am told that we are social creatures and that our personalities are actually reflections of peoples' perceptions of ourselves. Is that what we are as far as personalities go, simply elaborate masks that we adorn among each other for the sake of... I do not know. To my knowledge, a person is defined by their relationships, or, in other words, the bonds they form with those around them. What kind of person I am is the result of the conditions of my relationships. Therefore, perhaps I should be concentrating on maintaining strong relationships?
Is this what I should tell the person who asks what I am doing with my life? That I am on a mission to find true love, where I can help form a truly incorruptible relationship so I may have the right personality? Again, what would this elicit from the one who asks? It is certainly not the answer they were looking for... but it is all I can give.
I relaise that we all have choices to make in life. We are both victims of consequence as well as creatures of free will, for the power to decide is invested in us, in my humble opinion. One of the biggest choices we have to make is how to live our lives; should we life for ourselves or should we live for everything else? That question, to me, is the ultimate one. It means something different to each and every one of us, which in itself explains our differences of opinions.
I may have chosen to live for myself, which is what I am told so often to be the sensible and practical thing to do, for we all need to survive. Survival in a rough world is the priority and we should take care of our interests. The problem with this, for me, is that I have lost the ability to see the world and me as being separate. I do not know how others do it, but I cannot see 'myself' as a individual and independant entity any longer. You can see how this leads to my dilemma, for I no longer see a reason to care about my own interests. There are none. However, as part of this existence, I see a coherence, a pattern, and a rythm in everything that tells me none of are anything without one another. We are, in every single way, attached to this reality, this plane of existence. There is no you and me...there is just this. Hence, I see no purpose to live for myself, but I find every reason to live for everything else, because everything else and me are pretty much the same thing.
So maybe this is what I should say to the one who asks what I am doing with my life; that I am living for others, helping the helpless, protecting the weak, trying to preserve hope for those who are losing it while keeping a little for myself and always looking out for the everything around me rather than worrying about which univeristy I get into or what degree I get or how much my job pays. Again, is this a good answer to give the one who asks?
The truth is, I am all these things... this is what I feel I should be doing with my life. I do not know if it is truly right or wrong, but I do know that it feels right. So why do I till get judged so badly by others, especially those who claim to understand me well?
This is the one reason why it is so much more easier to just say I am in college studying for a degree.

Hello again...

Well, the busiest semester of my life is finally over now. It ended two days ago, when I sat for and completed my American Governement paper. Despite the heavy, unrelenting schedule, I think I did pretty well in all my subjects. It was tough and the workload was immense, mostly due to the semester being so short and me having taken four heavy subjects. Even so, I am slightly disappointed that it is all over. Honestly, I've never had so much fun learning in school as much as I did these past three months or so. It was quite an amazing experience.
Philosphy. Philosophy. What a truly enlightening subject. Just two months of Philosophy was enough to make me believe that nothing else is remotely as important. I did a somersault towards the end of the semester when I decided to become a Philosophy major, much to most peoples' absolute alarm. I love it, I love the subject.
It is not anything new, actually,my interest in philosophy. I have always been interested in asking big, deep questions about life and reality, just never seriously enough to want to make it my life. Then I realized that these questions are the most important things in life. I want to figure out my purpose in this exstence. Even if I don't succeed, I would like to at least try.
I'll continue this tomorow. Need to get some shut eye.

Man, I am so taking my time posting stuff here, aren't I? I'm truly sorry about my lack of activity. It is not that I am not trying, it is simply that I cannot find the time to do so. I actually tried a few days back, but my connection went poof and I lost the information I had typed. I have an unstable connection for which I am paying a bucketload of cash...such is the state of exploitation in this country.
Anyway, I have been undergoing a lot of personal changes lately. My outlook on life has undergone damamtic transformations, for the better. It is mostly due to philosophy, I guess. I am no longer depressed, uncertain or hopeless. Philosophy has given me a brand new sense of purpose and contentment. I feel happy, truly happy. My concerns now have shifted from being egocentric, to everything else-centric. Its amazing.
One of my dearest friends had to go throught the horrendous experience of dengue fever a week ago. It was a difficult time for her. As a former victim, I knew a little of what she would have gone through. I hate it when things like this happen to people I care about. You feel so helpless, lost and alone...like all the world around you is moving on but you have come to a complete standstill, lying on a hospital bed, freezing, with a tube running up your arm. It sucks.
Plus, with this illness, you never know if you'll survive. I was genuinely worried for my friend. I visited here almost everyday, hoping that she would be better than the day before. It hurt me so much to see her lying on the bed, unable to move, barely able to speak... I am so glad that she is better know and that the worst of her ordeals are over.
Well, that pretty much sums up the past few weeks, I guess... maybe once this semester is over, I'll take the time to write in greater detail. Bye

If I somehow survive this semester with my sanity intact, I think I deserve my phD. Holy hell, this is a lot of work! Four subjects, two months... insane, I tell you. I have no idea what got into my mind when i decided to push myself in this way. I really need to curb this habit of not looking before I leap. Sooner or later, I'm going to dive straight into a pool full of piranhas. I guess I am already in one, and the only reason I'm still alive is that the piranhas haven't sensed me yet. I have absolutely no idea what that means
Anyways, i want to talk about what has now officially become my favourite subject... Philosophy. I guess you could say it has always been my favourite subject (apart from you-know-what). Nothing else seems relevant or even remotely significant compared to philosophy. It just seems to put everything into this awesome and often terrifying perspective. The one important questiont that always springs to mind is, what is of actual importance in this existance?
I can't really think of anything that is of any importance, truly, apart from one thing. You can probably guess what that is. Even so, why do we feel that wealth and pleasure is so important? Why is power so important? What does it all really mean? Where are we all headed? What function are we supposed to fulfill in this Universe? Do we have a function? Who are we? Why do we have to sit for exams and get degrees? What does it all MEAN?
My brain hurts. I believe in something that Plato, Aristotle, Descartes and many others said; that true happiness lies when we think about perfection. Their versions of perfections all differ, but that does not really matter. Its the concept that is of any significance to me. I have my version of perfection and it makes me truly happy. That is all I need in this

Yeah, I know I suck...I have been neglecting you, haven't I, precious? Well, i am indeed sorry, but you have to understand my situation. I have been extremely busy lately(excuse), what with all the research and projects and assignments and Dutch fantasies and all...alright, I'm kidding. Well, actually, maybe not. Not the point.
Anyway here I am, back where I should be, posting useless, insignificant posts on the pointless musings of my life. What's with the Dutch thing, you ask? Well, its Dutch, as in the Netherlands, as in Holland, as in I know of a certain young, attractive Dutch lady who just so happened to come live at my place and sleep on my bed for an entire month... I kid you not. As you know, I have a no names policy when it comes to blogging, so forgive me if don't mention hers.
She left last week. She is a foreign exchange trainee and the 'living with a adoptive family' phase of the programme had reached its end. To be honest, I couldn't wait till she left, the little annoying ... okay, I'm lying. I was devastated. I suffered from emotional trauma. I'm exaggerating. Okay, okay, I'll cut the crap. I was very upset, because we became really close and I realised that she made for an incredible companion, someone who was easy to talk to (not easy in THAT way), fun to hang out with, easygoing, relaxed, and goddammit-I-miss-her. In this stupid country, companionship of that sort is so hard to find. Its like looking for hair under P*r*s H*lt*n's armpit. (oops, i broke my policy...I'm sure P*r*s won't mind). It really is. Most of the time, when trying to talk to people around here, you have to put on a show, you have to watch everything you say, and be ready to be prepared to be judged. You have no idea how exhausting that can be. It was not so when I was with my Dutch friend. With her, there was none of that shit. Things were so simple and honest, and you won't believe the amount of times I re-itereated that fact to one of my best friends... another one who could relate to the foreign chick syndrome.
Sigh...
Anyways, I've been bongled up with a lot of work this semester, because I kinda sorta took on more than I could possibly chew. So, if I take some time to post stuff over here, pls be understanding. What can you do anyway? Kick my ass?

Well, I know its been a bloody long time...again. Heck, at least I keep trying ...hahaha... who am I kidding? No one even reads this stuff. Anyway, here's what's been going on in my life these past few weeks. Nothing major. I had my finals last week, the end of my first semester as a freshman. Next week will be the beginning of my second, which i suspect will be a whole lot more busier with the short time span and large number of subjects I've registered for. Oh, an another thing, there is a cute Dutch girl living with me at home for this entire month. Pat of an exchange program in my sister's school. really cool. Alright, that's about it. ciao

Hmm... now where shall I start. This past week has been fairly uneventful...pleasantly so. Its been mostly work and play, the usual stuff. Actually, not so usual..it was not always like this in my life, i guess. Hehe..just glad for a little bit of peace and quiet. You do realise that I'm speaking purely in a emotional sense, right? What I'm trying to say is that there's been very little emotionally tragic events occuring to me lately, no incredible fighting, arguments or anything of the sort with parents or whatever. Its been pretty smooth-sailing. I have been able to give in to my work.. been working hard on my theater finals.... just completed some heavy sound editing just today. I've got a huge presentation on Hinduism coming up as well, so, yes, its been hectic in a rather good way. I am feeling good about myself..and its been so long since I could actually say that. Yesterday, I went out with my three bestest best friends(sheesh)... and it was really great. We didn't get to watch the movie we wanted, drove a really long way to eat at a place with crappy service, and reached back home in the wee hours of the morning.... sigh...so much fun... You know, there's something really wonderful about simply being with those who are closest to you and being yourself...your true self. No stupid facade to try and impress others, no stupid pretensions... just who you are. Your stupid slur, farting, lame (yet incredibly funny) jokes, insults galore, perverted stories... amazing...no rules, no standards, no competing..just living.... how i wish all things could be as simple....sigh..but, then again, having the tough moments are what makes the sweet ones all the more sweeter, doesn't it....

Whew...It has been quite a while, hasn't it? I know, you're probably thinking I'm just being a lazy prick, and to be honest you wouldn't be so off the mark. However, it is not as if I didn't try. Its just that my line has been bugging the hell out of me recently and I often find that when I do get through, its usually when I have no mood to write anything. Unlike now, that is. I have been doing an awful lot of typing lately, mostly for college. I guess I might as well go where the momentum takes me. I've got time, so what the hell, might as well update my life...haha. Anyway, here goes. Life ahs been generally good recently. Its amazing how quickly life can change from being totally depressing to contented. I don't really feel contented, but honestly, I feel so much better about myself now than I ever did before. Yesterday, the 21st of March, is the most important day of every year for me and my beloved. It's her birthday, and also the day we found each other. We have been together for eight years now...EIGHT YEARS. I turn 20 this year. You do the math. There's honestly so much reason to be happy, yet there is still that little part inside me that is always discontent. Only I know what that is all about.
Life is good, for now. A major reason for this would have to be college. Surprising, isn't it? haha...It isn't as if my new college is anything special, but it happens to be a huge step up from what I have been going through all this while prior to my current course. For the first time, I feel I am where I want to be in an academic sense. The improvement is apparent in my work efficiency, which has never been better and also my general mood these days. Even my physical fitness has improved with my added activity. I feel good, and when I feel good, I push the boundaries that is myself. I have no idea what that means.

There was once a time when people use to tell me that I should always do what is right, that we should always fight for what we believe in, no matter how hard or difficult it is. That was a time when people cared about others more than hey cared about themselves, a time of honour, respect, trust, and sacrifice. It did not matter where we come from, how rich we were...the only thing that mattered is each other.
These days, sadly, people have changed. Nowadays it is no longer about doing what is right...its about doing whatever it takes to achieve success. Its not about fighting for what we believe in, but fighting for the scraps thrown around. Honour, respect, trust and sacrifice have all been replaced by ego, greed, distrust, and backstabbing, the four common feautures of modern society... the same modern society that we are so proud of.

Particles...have't heard that word in a while. I also haven't heard the words atoms, molecules, ions, bonding, chemical, thermo, electrostatic, stress and others for sometime now...and boy, am i glad! Glad to be away fromeverything science related...academically, at least. It sure feels good to be on the other side(though I never really thought of things that way).
Besides, the change does me good, I feel like a lot better nowadays, stronger, wiser, and there's an honest desire to work harder and enjoy my time. I'm moving into my peak years now, so I'd better shift into high gear soon. Hehehe...that's all fo now.

Today seems to be cursed. i'll be frank, this was a honestly terrible day, in terms of luck. You are probably thinking what a lazy punk i must be, since it takes so much for me to actually post something here. I know, I know...and I'm sorry, just been running kind of flat recently. Flat in terms of all the anarchistic, rebellious, and revolutionary ideas i usually bandy around. Well, three hours of traffic, missed classes, and a tow-truck scare has put me right back into the driving seat. I am PISSED. Or was, anyway.
Seriously, how in the name of all that is good and holy could anyone stand being stuck in a traffic jam for three friggin hours. it was so bad that at 8.30 am, I was able to look at my rearview mirror and still SEE the spot where my car was at 7.30a.m. ...absolutely ridiculous! I was fuming and blowing steam through every pore of my body at one point. It was all because of a three car accident on the highway.
I hate missing classes. For all my beef with the education system, I still get very upset when I'm late or absent. It irks the hell out of me because I like being reliable and punctual if nothing else. This kind of thing really affects my sense of discipline (yeah, yeah, I actually have one...quit sniggering like a buffoon).
Anyways, so much for the series of unfortunate events. Anything good happen recently? Yeah, I discovered that I happen to be the only one in my age group who actually has a true and honest direction in life, with minimum confusion and doubt. Strange to hear this about me, a guy who seemed destined to wallow in self-doubt and uncertainty, but it is true none-the-less. Ever since I started putting my foot down on what I truly wanted and desired in for myself, I kinda got this aloof sensibility that seems to set me apart from the rest of my 'peers'. I ain't confused no more, and damn it feels good!

Clearer my path is now, clearer too my sight. It feels freshs, the air that I breathe, fresh and new, as I walk this new road, the one less taken. It is true, then....it makes all the difference.
Lead me from hell, lift me into your heaven... I can see that the light shining down upon me now, and the storm will no longer cast a pall over my soul.
Will this calm last? Will it last forever, as I fade away into dreams? Or is it just another false alarm?
I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Tsunamis, dead people, earthquakes, new college, new course.... yeah, plenty to talk about... Then again, the first three ain't exactly breaking news... I don't really feel like writing about it anyway. It doesn't matter what my opinions on the matter are, the facts remain the same. People need help, those who can provide that help must do so. If there has every been any reason for the world to join together for a common cause. Too bad it had to come at such a high price though.
New college, new faces, new subjects.... same old personal problems. People ask me if I'm happy with what I am doing... they think that simply because I was adamant about this course, that it is what I truly want. If only they knew.... I hate people who pretend to know what makes others happy, who pretend to know what others long for in their hearts. I don't want any of this, I'm living a life that is so agains't the values and principles I hold so dear in my heart. The only thing that is real and pure is the one thing I have yet to physically find.
That's the onyl thing that would make me happy. I know I have said this a thousand times before, but its how I truly feel deep inside.

cool depiction 

another one 

some cool photos 

The Debaters Of TARC 

Tomorow, i begin a new journey. A new doorway through which i shall walk into. Where it leads, I know not for sure...all i have are the stirrings of my heart. It has never failed me when i need it most. Though I am overwhelmed by the doubts and troubles of others, I have fought hard to preserve myself... or at least I hope so. i have found myself clinging to every last bit of hope i have left, all of which come from one source. My beloved. I hope against everything else, that I find the strength that I need for whatever tomorow might bring.
The battles that I have been fighting in my life have not yet ended, I'm afraid. They are only about to worsen.