The funniest thing about what I've been going through lately is this. Here I am, brave enough to take on the world as a musician, a debater, without a care about how big and invincible the odds may be, yet at the same time, I lack the courage to do something as seemingly tiny as ask a girl out for a date. A fool...that is how I feel, a lovestruck fool.
Much has happened since I last posted, both personal and not so personal. I really do not care to go into the details. Just to graze upon the surface, I found a darling of a friend, made many new ones, unraveled some deep and painful secrets within my family, and fell flat into the troubles of the lovesick. Hahaha...yeah, typical teenage stuff.
Sometimes, I wonder why on earth do I have to be so different... why do I always have to be so opinionated and headstrong about my values and judgement? why can't I be like everyone else, accepting, conforming? Being different , rebellious may sound glorified and all, but the truth of it is that it really wears a person down, drains them of their last drop of energy, and for what? Nothing, because at the end of it, we're only tiny pebbles in an ocean too large to imagine.
Yet, even though I know this, I still do not stop... I still do not change my ways, as foolish and hopeless as they may seem. Why?
I am different. Its just that. People hate different, its an inborn nature of humankind. I hate being different. I hate having to grasp in the dark, hate being so alone at times, hate fighting a war while everyone watches me as if I were a madman, with no direction and purpose in life.
The truth is, I do not want to fight no longer... I have never wanted to fight. I wish to stop, lie down, and rest. Settling down may give rise to fear in most people, but to me it would be a blessed gift. I am tired of this life, this veiled illusions, this pretense of living. I wish for escape, wish for the things I hold dear in my heart. A life away from all this...far far away. I would go, with my beloved at my side, to where the hills stand proud, where there is only nature, where the air is pure and clean, where the water runs clear and sweet, where the only sounds are those of birds, and the critters of the green woods. In my heart, I know this dream is a long, arduous path away from here, if it exists at all.
To get there, i am going to have to fight on... though I am more likely to die before I can even see those pure shores.
For I am nothing...except a crazed man, who follows angels and dreams, instead of the physical life. And I will die the same way I live.... different.

8:23
Gotta get a grip on this,
screaming in your stupid face,
i gotta get a grip on me,
before i go fuck myself again....

Stop sitting around there,
looking as if its my fault,
stop making me so paranoid,
too fucking scared to turn my back....

hunt, hunt, hunting me and you ..down...

can you hear me?
i'm tearin it ...
tearing it all....
all down...

whenever i try work,
these bloody hands don't move,
cause there's no goddamned point,
nothing's good enough for you...

look,look...look at me now...now...

so, turn your back...
do what you always do...
don't look back...
to hell with you...

Holyneva

Take me aside,
dear goddess...
take me inside,
give me salvation,

or kill me now,
dear mistress...
please beat me down,
give me punishment..

chorus
take my hand...
hail my end...
Set me free,
i need this...

you're tomorrow...
sweet temptress...
rid my sorrow,
rid my cold burden...

clip my tired wings,
dear lover...
end my suffering,
end this fake state of being.......