I made an interesting discovery lately...I'm a good speaker, if I try to be one. I entertained people, with words and humour, not arrogance or fancy words. I caught their fancy.

Sorry for not having updated for well...for a very long time... I switched to broadband recently and there were quite a few bugs to fix. i was not able to come over here to make any entry. Well, now I can and for all the better.

Every day my thoughts are clouded. I know that there is an uncertainty lingering over me which i cannot shake. I don't know why I am this way... why i can never be at peace. truly. I onlu know that I am troubled and insecure. I am making mistakes too often and my judgement is not what it should be.
I want to pull through all of the things I am going through, and more than anything I desire the strength and guidance to help me along the way. Only one can ever be my source of hope and light, and she is the one my heart and soul long for every passing moment.
I feel alone when i know well enough that those whom I love and who love me are always around me, and it frightens me. It makes me yearn for Allry all the more desperately. I think of how our lives might be, of all the joys we might share together, as simple as they might be, just by being together. This glimpse of our future fills me with hope and gets me through my days, even though i feel so weary. I love my Allry. SHE is my everything.

Stupid websites supposedly there to help you find friends...and people actually use them... including me, though I'm still trying to figure out why I even tried in the first place. Someone once told me that i'm full of contradictions and it made me think. In many ways, it is true. The person who made this remark is a friend of mine, or so we like to believe...mostly because I don't want to be considered as a victim of any kind, had quite enough of that, really. We tend to get into heated arguments a lot, usually involving some deep issues such as faith, culture, customs, and rubbish like that. She relies on very firmly set principles and laws, and I, on the other hand, rely completely on instinct and whim. Hence, it doesn't surprise me that I come out sounding like a living contradiction.

Here's a question you can not answer,
Why can't my voice be heard?
Not in the way you can hear,
I'm just a silent screaming blunder.

You leave me on my knees,
speechless and dazed,
even when you're not aware,
that I'm near you.

you make me feel,
like I'm a million miles away,
a tiny speck of dust,
looking up at the monsters.

so save me before I'm crushed,
before the skies fall on me,
in your light I do trust,
even though you don't know me.

come on and save me,
come on and light me up,
don't leave, don't run away.

i still don't think,
that I'm getting through,
to making you see,
that I'm desperate for you.

you're sitting there,
beside me in the car,
oblivious to the storm inside me,
so near, yet so far.

so beautiful and innocent,
i want to reach out,
and touch your hair and skin,
don't want you to freak out.


you trust me to be there
and do what i can,
you let me take you home,
but you see me only as a friend.

come on and save me,
come on and light me up,
don't leave, don't run away.

From this place I lie in,
I see, not five feet away from me,
the most beautiful angel I've ever seen,
Serene and sad as can be,
Makes me wonder in awe,
At the cause of her sorrow,
and lying next to her, i saw,
the man who was half-alive, or half-dead.

Solitude.

How many times have I waited to tell you?
So many days that I don't remember,
All of the things in my head lost forever,
Since the day you stole my soul from me.

This solitude,
It never gives the promised release,
This solitude,
Makes your absence even more painful.

How long can I go on now?
Without you to guide me through life,
So many times I've fell into the darkness,
Ever have you been my light at night.

This solitude,
It makes my world seem so deprived,
Oh, solitude,
Forever me and forever you.

My old blackpack filled with my shattered dreams,
is empty now except for thoughts of you,
cold dark days are none too few,
those thoughts are the ones that pull me through.

Oh, solitude,
Maybe eternal till my end,
Oh, solitude,
I don't want to die alone.

Little lover, little mate,
Dear universe, my shared peace,
Hold on to this,
Hold on to our pride,
I’ll be by your side,
As we receive this gift.

Your sweet soul,
And mine,
Forever joined,
Forever bonded as one,
The moment of bonding,
Culminating in this gift.

Fine lines that define,
Faith and Love,
The sensations that give us joy,
Peace, pride, happiness,
The moment we receive this gift.

My dear love,
My beautiful child,
My family,
Dear love,
Ever so mild,
As happy as can be,
Our sweet child…

I'm still trying hard just to make sense,
of what is going on in mylife and all that is yet to come,
Feeling as if everything is moving so quickly and they are so intense,
I realise I can no longer cope as i grow numb.

My memories flash in my tired mind's eye,
Faces i used to know and names I no longer remember,
Fade in and out before they die,
As I long for all that was once tender.

Why can't I simply leave and walk away?
Never look back and regret all that could've been,
Instead i remain and cling on to a desolate hope,
despite all that I have felt and seen.

I step outside,
take a deep breath,
open my eyes,
see you by my side,
knowing that nothing bad,
will hurt our ties.

I can feel the fresh air,
bathing my body and soul,
strenghtening my being,
and then there you are, so fair,
dispatching whatever remains of the cold,
replacing it with warm caring.

There's so little left for me,
In this barren and forsaken land,
So little hope and so much dread,
And not even a shadow of a helping hand.

All around me I see sorrow,
In the soil beneath my feet and the eyes of dead life,
there is so much pain and no sign of tomorrow,
Not even the remnants of a forgotten life.

Such bearings of doom and grief,
Fall upon my weakened shoulders,
so heavy is this burden i bear,
as I trudge on towards the beast's lair.

I know now my life is forsaken,
Yet, I harbour neither grief nor regret,
In this land so desolate and barren,
i have nothing else to fight for.

I can't stand all this waking nightmares,
Can't you see I'm already broken down?
My weary body is weak from all this worries and cares,
still i trudge on because it's all i can do now.

How many more times will you yell at me,
Curse me, throw me down and humiliate me,
despte all i try to do in order to please you,
you still won't give me the respect i crave from you.

Is this all that I'm to be given?
a life of dissatisfaction and uncontrollable pain,
never to be anything more than a dissapointment,
i struggle inside just to remain sane.

I know I can't keep it all locked inside,
I know this pain will soon break out and seek release,
already i can feel the turn of the dreadful tide,
my heart will break and my soul will be claimed by disease.

So many feelings inside me, most of which I do not understand,
All of them affecting my judgement and conscience,
showing me things I don't want to see,
Things I will never be able to understand,
Filling me with hate and the craving for vengeance.

I try not to pretend,
But pretend is all I can,
Because the real me inside,
Just won't survive.

The real me deep within,
Deep underneath my skin,
Is so much different,
from this shell I wear.

I've set up so many lies,
to protect myself,
In fear od harsh judgement,
and the shadow of shame.

I try not to hide,
all these feelings I have,
but it's like fighting the tide,
of an enormous wave.

Do you recall the times you used to look at me and say.
whether either of us will ever see the light of day,
and i keep telling that no matter what others do or say,
they will never be able to take our dreams away.

Despite all the times we have felt like giving in,
to all the pressures and obstacles that wear us thin,
they only succeed in making us closer than we've ever been,
giving us the ability to find the hope within.

Everyone use to say that for us hope was forsaken,
but we never gave in and fell under the weight of this burden,
no matter how many things from us they have taken,
we still have our love it'll always be our salvation.

And now after all this time has passed into memory,
and all that trouble was merely temporary,
we are both left to ourselves in this serenity,
where we can live our lives free from agony.

Love's Promise.

I'll follow beside you,
Even if we're all alone,
Know that I'll always love you,
And I'll never leave you alone.

Whenever you are scared,
I'll fight off your fears,
I will chase away anything bad,
And then wipe away your tears.

I'm neither mighty nor invincible,
but you may always lean on me,
I'll always do what I'm able,
All i ask is for you to love me.

Let me be your man,
who holds you tight at night,
Let me be your friend,
who will always hold you tight.

There is no way for me to tell you,
How much I truly love you,
I hope you see that its true,
That I've become a part of you.

We all seem to lose ourselves so easily, to simply surrender and fall into the crowd. We give up the fight even before we start. Why doesn't anyone stop and think, about what they are doing and what everyone else is doing? Why don't they just sit back for a while and consider their lives? Shouldn't they be able to consider their current lifestyle and determine whether it is what they truly want and need, if their way of life is giving them the satisfaction and contentment that we all crave in truth?
I think that most of us refuse to give a moment to think about our lives because we are afraid. Afraid to see things for what they really are. We are hanging on to some distorted logic that ignorance is bliss and that by continually moving and working, these questions and doubts won't arise. We are trying to delay what will eventually come anyway. We give ourselves completely to the search for materialistc riches, ambition, greed and success, just so we won't have to bother ourselves with the deeper part of our lives. Not many have the courage and strength to walk through the fire of doubt and emotions, where the only things that truly matter are faith and love. To some, allowing these doubts about our way of life to surface is wrong, but they can never find any form of justification and thus it is nothing more than a natural human fear of the unknown. We fear aliens, we fear God and in the very same way, we fear ourselves. We fear who we are inside, our feelings and our desires.
Why is it wrong to ask our own hearts what it really seeks? In my own heart, i believe that the only true happiness in this world belongs to those who take these steps of self-discovery and then go on to seek out their destinies and dreams. More often than not, these aren't people who want money, property or physical wealth, but to be as close as they can to their emotional homes...their families and friends. They seek not to be successful or rich, but to share what they are able with the world and give back to this beautiful Earth what they can. It is love they seek, a pure love, where one can give themselves completely into caring for another person. Faith is the other arm, the guiding light of life, and it is not grounded in prejudice like race, nor fanaticism like religion. Instead, it is grounded in simplicity, powerful yet gentle.
If I could do something for this world, this would be it. I would try to make more people stop for a moment and relax. To think long and hard and listen to their hearts instead of their minds. I would want people to gain a deeper understanding of themselves as individuals and their true needs and desires. Most importantly, I would want people to not give up their search for true happiness, no matter how hard that road may seem.
For now, most of us are barely drifting, allowing our fears to dictate our lives.

As much as I want to punch out at someone sometimes, I never ever get to it. Why? I think I'm a nice guy. Yeah,. right. And Pigs just started to sprout wings in Romania. Point is, I'm an artist, and idealist, a romanticist, call it whatever you want, i believe in certain things and i stay true to them. One of those include being kind and fair to others as best as I can...i f some people consider that a weakness, then it's their own problem.
I may not have the freedom to change others, or the ability to right wrongs, but I definitely have the right to decide the way i am, my presentation, my personality and what-not.
So, shove it

It's almost like a bullet train heading towards hell. A rocket doomed to crash despite its advanced technology. It does feel like there is a black cloud hanging around my brain everytime i try to think of my future.
I've decided I need to secure myself more firmly. This is embarassing, but I have decided that i need to find a job, something to earn a little extra. All i can say is...this Sucks!