I just wanted yo to know how eveything is beginning to look bad,
that i don't really know if it's just me or am i really going mad,
it's like eveything i do ends up with failure and all i can do is draw another fag,
Living with hope that soon this will be over and soon I'll be dead
This is so pathetic, I know, it's probably gonna make you sad,
i just want you to know man, that you're the best friend that i ever had,
then again, my life's so fucked up, you're the only friend I ever had,
cause everyone else just seemed content to putting me down so damn bad,
well, i remmeber a lot of the stuff we used to, the things i'll never forget,
you're my homey, man, and nothing is ever going to change that.

chorus
These cold dark days, they keep on coming,
and i just can't seem to stop dreaming,
it's my only release from these thing called living,
where are you now, I'm still waiting.

hey, now, do you remember back then who we were and the stuff we used to do together?
and how we took our lives into our own hands and didn't give a shit about any other,
we never did care much about what they said or even if they lost their tether,
just like all the times my dad spent fuckin up our cash and beatin up on my mother,
we used to be so happy back then when we were young and things were so much better,
but now i know the consequence of ignorance as all my problems pile up all together,
i plead you, beg you, please come back and help me out of here,
cause I can take it no more, only you can make it better...

chorus

Bridge,
These days won't let me live,
and all my thoughs are so troubled,
I've nothing left to live for now
I'll take our memories to my grave

chorus

I barricade myself from these hopelessness and trouble,
on my mind it eats me up from all the way deep inside,
i cannot sleep tonight my dreams are all so troubled,
and everybody simply wants to push me back and start a fight,
though i never even wanted to be another rogue without a cause,
but then that's all i get to be in this muddle that we call life,
so tell me now is this the way that i must go on living?
when all around me everyone only care about dying...

Tell me now,
is this the answer to all our prayers,
Tell me now,
is there no way out of this endless fire
And tell me now,
where do i go to find my freedom?

Everyone i know they keep stepping on my back and using me without a care,
without fear that for once i might just decide to push right back,
even if it causes me to gain another wound on my battered soul,
It's just another hard-earned scar, in a body marred by internal wounds.
And do I have to look so far to see my hope and a way out of all of this,
Can't you come into my life, save me now and give me release,
from all of this .................

So, why don't you,
Tell me now.............

Cause all i want is release,
all i want is to be free,
all i want is to live free,
and now i want to die free!!!!!

tell me now,
..............

I'm scared... maybe terrified. My life is beginning to unravel and fall apart, and i feel like the ground underneath me is dissipating....like I'm standing on thin ice and below me is an endless dark well of dark murky void. Slowly, my sense of personal security is deteriorating and my future is filled with so much uncertainty. I'm being forced to face problems that i've never faced before and also to make decisions that will alter my life forever...in quick succesion. My mind is never at peace, except when I'm in Allry's arms, and my thoughts are full of dread and fear. What hope is left I don't know but it is all that is keeping from going insane or worse.

I'm afraid. And I feel so alone. I hyave friends...but I don't know if they'll ever understand what I'm going through, even if in my heart I know they will try their best. All my hope now lies with Allry and our love. We have been through a lot together and always our love has kept us safe and guided us. But things are getting worse now, and the problems we are facing are not singular but a multitude. I'm not losing my faith in our love... that will never happen. I'm just worried about the kind of decisions that we'll be forced to make soon. And I'm worried that Allry might get hurt somehow and that's something that I will never be able to stand.

I'm terrified.

Yeah, way to begin the first day of the new semester... hell, it was exhausting. Add that to the fact that there will be a test tomorrow, and you have one terribly hectic week ahead. Don't really know if it is that bad a thing...in fact, it is quite useful. This means that I get to shift right into top gear without any delays. This suits me perfectly. My only worry is the lack of time i have to do all the other things that I really need to do, like practice my guitar, writing my new book, posting my entries here... and so on...not to forget my debating. I have much to do in a rather limited time period. This is something that I'm not really accustomed to, but then again there is always a first time.

I guess it was slightly immature of me for hoping that the events of the past month would just die down and never be re-invoked. I feel hurt and betrayed by some of the things that have been said to me, yet I have none to tell it to. I am in this mess, though I have never wanted it nor asked for it. Others pushed me unfairly into this situation and have now left me to fight on my own. It does not end there. Now, I am being cruelly judged and thought of as a fool, with my judgement being given no value whatsoever. All I wish is to get on with my life and continue with the work I was doing. There is so much more stuff that I dream of doing now and am willing to work hard for. All I want is for this bad memories to be driven back and never be recalled again.

I feel so hurt. But I wont back down anymore. I must continue with what I am doing and see it through. This has been a very good week, if a bit tiring, and mostly due to the level of commitment I have invested into it. I have just got to keep doing it and hope that everything turns out fine. All I have now is the very thing that has been my guiding lght throughout my life. The one thing that has never let go of me and will always be part of me. The one thing that I can always rely on. It has always been enough and it will always be enough.

So often I feel like I'm trapped in a place I don't belong. I keep getting the feeling that I am just too different to be part of my family. I don't know how I got this way...just that I did. I no longer share the same values and ideals that my parents have... which leads to a lot of complications in my life.

Its hard for me to give priority to my future success and all that, because i am simply not that type of person. I don't know for sure... but my heart tells me that there is much more to life than just striving to earn and be successful. My parents don't care about all that...in fact they are afraid of it. They fear that I'm corrupt and in the wrong path for thinking that money and success does not matter.... they fear that I will dissappoint them.

Somehow, they can't understand that it is important for me to continue doing what I love to do...even if it means i have to struggle a little. I might not become rich and famous, but I'll be happy as long as I continue doing that which makes me happy, and I'm with the ones I care for most of all.

How does one think about self-progress when there is so much pain and suffering in this world? There is so much of wrongs that are being done...and there is nothing to stop it. I feel burdened somewhat and can never be satisfied until at least I've given my best shot.

2004-01-07 - 10:46 p.m.

NO ONE HAS A MONOPOLY ON THE TRUTH WHEN IT COMES TO SPIRITUALITY


THE ONLY THING THAT IS OBSCENE IS THIS WORLD ARE PEOPLE WHO TELL US WHAT IS OBSCENE


FIGHTING FOR PEACE IS LIKE FUCKING FOR VIRGINITY


FUCK ALL YOU RELIGIOUS PREACHERS!!!!!!

LIVE FREE, BREATHE FREE... DIE FREE!!!!

I'm listening to P.O.D right now as I write this.... that's Payable On Death for those who don't know. I'm not sure what track it is, but it has a heavily repeated question in it which got me thinking... Why do we do the things we do?

Because...? because of what... because of necessity? desire? anger? revenge? greed? What do we say when this question is put forth, asking us to explain our actions?

We make up excuses, some of us...or lies, to hide some unpleasant truth, or in some cases we even brush aside the question, saying that it is personal.

Why do we do the things we do? Is it because of our feelings? I think so... deep inside, everything we do is guided by our feelings... emotions guide the very essence of human beings. Rational thought is purely secondary in my mind. We are all victims of our greed, which takes various forms... from wealth to love. Our emotional needs, at times absurd, must be satisfied, or else it will consume us.

its been four days since the nightmare in Iran. The United States is sending aid to a country that it has not had any contact with for a decade... the result of all the stupid conflicts and wars. It takes a huge natural disaster and tens of thousands dead for us to put aside our differences... and we call ourselves civilized. Anyway, I digress...

I read this little clip in a news article and it had been haunting me for a while.


"This is the Apocalypse. There is nothing but devastation and debris," Mohammed Karimi, in his 30s, said at the cemetery, where he had brought the bodies of his wife and 4-year-old daughter.



"Last night before she went to sleep she made me a drawing and kissed me four times," he said of his daughter, Nazenine, whose body he held in his arms. "When I asked, 'Why four kisses?' she said, 'Maybe I won't see you again, Papa,'" Karimi told an AP photographer, as tears streamed down his face."-yahoo news.


Sometimes... we forget how much we have in our lives... even if they seem little.

Often during the course of these past few months, I have felt so lost and confused... as if the very ground beneath my feet might just crack and dissapear into a void of nothingness. Nothing felt certain. Everything I have ever believed in had been tested so badly, that i felt drained and powerless. At times, I even wondered if this was worth the effort... that maybe I should simply give in and turn back to the ways of the modern world. Throwing away all that I hold dear in my heart, everything that meant something to me. Even though in my heart I was aware that it would be the end of me.

I did not understand how these things have come to pass, how we have let ourselves fall so low into...

More than anything, faith is what I needed to rekindle my spirit. Faith that all is not lost... that I do have a purpose and that I must strive to fulfil it.

It is not the fear of failure which haunts me, but the fear that i may never be good enough to even try. That I might not get a chance. There is no knowledge of what time is left to me, but i know that i must decide with what I do have.

Something has changed now... an event that marks a turning point in my life. The fear and confusion has been lifted away, for I remember now all of that which matter most to me. I remember who I am and what i am here to do.

I needed to believe that there is something left that is worth fighting for, something good and pure. Now, my hope and faith have been returned to me, stronger than ever before and I shall not falter under the face of adversity. True, there is still uncertainty about this path that I choose, but I know now that I'm doing the right thing. I have always believed in true love, soemthing purer than anything else. Love that is unconditional,love that is beyond definiton. The type of love that happens between the truest of friends and partners. I was losing hope about its existance... except for the voice inside me which kept it alive. It may seem rare and non-existant at times, but it is nonetheless there. I believe in it now... and I will continue my fight for it. Whatever else happens to me, i will always remain true to my faith and I shall always be the Guardian.

The Truth.


Are we all blinded from the truth of what we are and why we are so? We are human beings, the Homo sapiens, a species among millions, or billions of other living species. We are not the conquerors of the world, the leaders of the world, nor do we have the right to claim lordship over those that may seem to be on a lesser level compared to us. Yet, this truth has been shielded from our reckonings, from our minds. We do not see clearly that which is as bright as the sun upon which our lives depend upon. It is true, we do not recognize the necessity of water until the wells run dry. We, the supposed kings of the earthly plane, the lords of the species, the intellectuals of Nature, do not realize nor visualize what is so plain to see, that we are not all those things. We do not hold lordship over other beings, animate or inanimate, just as we do not hold lordship over our brothers and sisters of the human kind. Materialism is but an illusion in which we seek to hide the true fears that threaten to overwhelm us otherwise. We choose to build and weave deceptions that everything in this plane is to be possessed, to be owned, by men who are capable of it. We speak everyday of discrimination and inequality among ourselves, as if we are the only ones who matter in this world. We human beings are but a breath of wind in the passage of time, an insignificant component of something far bigger and far more complex than any of us can imagine. We do not OWN, we do not LEAD, there is no yours and mine in this reality. Life is something everything has, in its own way, and just like human beings, everything in this existence has the right to freedom. When the time arrives when humanity sees its final dawn, the world will not end, the universe will not end. It will go on, continuing as if the passing of our kin is but a mere itch that does not necessitate scratching. Life will not end with us, but all that we have created, the lies, deceptions, illusions, together with the likes of industry, the arts and ethics, will follow us to our dark graves, forever buried within the very Earth from which we sprung from. This is how far our relevance in reality really is, very little indeed. Like the darkness that follows the setting of the Sun, our existence will be ended and be followed by a period of night and shadows. The lands will lie in smoke and ruins, life, it seems, nowhere in existence. Our fires of technology and progress will one day destroy our world, that is of no doubt, for it will become to powerful even for us to control. Our foolishness shall wipe out all life on Earth, or so it may seem. Life, however, is not mortal. We must not blind ourselves by thinking that our end heralds the end of everything else, for it does not. Life will continue, our world has many ways to heal and regenerate itself. How this may happen is beyond the guessing of any being, but rest assured that it would.




How would humans be able to make up their own reality without having evidence in the physical world of such existences? Through the passing of time, we have lost our way because of the illusions that we invented to supplement our lives so we may never have to face the true answers. There is no god, for the truest meaning of god is fear. God means fear, in the simplest and most basic of forms, no matter the language one speaks or the culture that one comes from. Human beings fear things that they do not understand. When there is something that we fear, we try to destroy it, which is our nature. But if that something is immaterial and cannot be destroyed, we make up illusions or pretend that it is simply not there. In this case, we have managed to substitute the true meaning of the universe with a supposedly all-powerful being called God. We have no prove that this plane was indeed made by a singular entity. It is far too complex and immense for that to be true, in any circumstance. It is an invalid assumption due to the reality that this universe is so awesome, too awesome for one singular being to be able to perceive. No, God is a mere pretension, a weak, almost lame, substitute for something we do not have the ability to comprehend, something beyond us. We must not be foolish by thinking that we can make up our own truth about the universe for in time, we will know the truth. We are, after all, living creatures and one day we will find out the truth about our existence. We don’t have to make up illusions because of our fears.


There are more than enough boundaries and borders that separate an individual being from another naturally. Species, gender, age, physique, personality, preferences… attributes that are innate to specific individuals in this world. Why, then, is it necessary for human beings to ‘invent’ even more of this boundaries that further separate us from each other? Why must there be race? Why must there be religion? Why must there be slavery, discrimination, customs and so on? An age-old debate, which surprisingly, still persists to this day, when human beings are supposed to know better than to judge a fellow brother or sister by the color of their skins. In differing parts of this world, in the hearts of the many human civilizations, the nations are rife with the war between races and religions as members of various races fight each other, claiming supremacy over the other. In certain countries, there exist people who have come to believe that interracial harmony is a possibility. Well, it is a foolish and misguided thought. Deep down within, any person who believes in a certain religion and claims to be part of a particular race, is sure to feel a certain amount of animosity and disrespect towards people of other ‘races’ and ‘religions’, although they disguise these feelings on the outside. In the end, they still end up sticking to their own ‘race’ and would prefer not to mingle with the others. This is the painful truth. Interracial harmony is a sorry excuse for something that can never be attained unless race and religion is completely removed from our lives. There will be no true peace among human beings until the last vestiges of Islam, Hinduism, Christianity, Buddhism, Jewish, and every other religion is discarded and we bring ourselves to face what is real and pure in our lives. We must recognize that the only things that separate us from each other are the lack of a touch, the lack of a common tongue, and most importantly the lack of love.

SOmetimes it does feel pathetic, even to myself... hell, I'm the writer and I get disgusted at my own work. Despite the fact that I am not a perfectionist, i still find that dissatisfaction and dissapoitment is prevalent when i review some of the things I have done. Just human, I guess. But then again, these thoughts are there for a reason... they represent the way i feel about my life, and the world in general.... okay, maybe not so general. :)

Currently, the biggest dillemma i am facing is decididng what to do next, as in further education. Some people think I'm smart and all that... I'm smart enough not to believe them. hahaha. No, this is not low self-esteem. I work with both my heart and mind, which isn't the requirement for a smart, successful, modern 'individual', at least not the way others see it. The term would be romantic idealist... i never was a fan of categorizing. I have to much baggage to be a quality achiever in this world of cunning, backstabbing opportunists. Understandable, to a certain point.

I'm currently at a huge crossroads in my life... a point where I'm trying to decide which path i should take in my life... a burden it is. There is much pressure on me... and all i seek at the moment is time.... time to think about what i am looking for. sometimes i feel everything is moving much too fast for me.

The weak patient, young and helpless, lay on his bed and gazed at the angel beside him. The angel, beautiful and radiant, worked with a sad expression, yet her light shone bright as her delicate hands and fingers caressed the face of the young man lying unconscious on the next bed. The boy studied the face of the angel, whose name he did not know, and wondered how such a wonderful creature could ever be burdened with such sorrow as was evident on her face. Her dark, lustrous hair formed a halo around her demure and sweet features, a face of gentleness and kindness.

The angel worked efficiently and carefully, endlessly fussing over the needs of the unconscious young man, who must mean a lot to her. The sick boy, himself a victim of virus, felt a tear at the corner of his eye as he watched the sad girl move around the lifeless hospital ward.

He longed to talk to the angel, to tell her not to be sad. A ridiculous though it certainly was, for the boy did not have a reason for the angel not to be sad. All around them, there was only lifelessness. The cheap ward provided scant reassurance of comfort and recuperations. The angel was a breath of life, despite her forlorn look and her seemingly desperate work. The boy turned his head further to get a glimpse at the source of the angel’s sorrow, the young man who lay motionless on the white bed. The boy could not see the man’s injuries, so he assumed that he was seriously ill. Just like the boy.

The man might be the angel’s lover or husband, though they both seemed too young to be married. They were too different to be related, so they had to be lovers. The boy watched as the angel spoke in a whispered tone into the man’s ears, even though her words might not have been heard. She caressed the sleeping face with her slender fingers, all the while whispering in the man’s ears.

Then the angel turned her head around to look at the boy, who felt embarrassed and warm all of a sudden. She forced a smile, which did little to hide the pain in her large beautiful eyes. The boy smiled back, feeling low in the presence of this lovely creature that was so obviously burdened with enormous pain and sorrow.

Hours passed, hours that seemed more like months, and the boy let sleep take him, his head still facing the other bed, where the angel continued to work diligently in taking care of her lover.

When the boy awoke again, he was surprised to see the angel gone. Only the man lay in his bed, still with his eyes shut. A surge of disappointment overcame the boy but he was somewhat relieved when the angel stepped out from the ward’s only bathroom, her lustrous dark hair tied back and her face damp with moisture. She saw the surprised boy gazing at her and once again flashed a smile, this time following it with words, spoken in a sweet voice that melted his heart.

“Hello. Did you sleep well?”

The boy stuttered.

“Wha… oh, yes. Thank you.”

She smiled again, her expression sad as she walked to her man’s bedside and sat down on a chair. She put a hand on his cheek and caressed the growing hair on his face.

“Is he your husband?” the boy ventured, now that the angel had shown that she was thankful for a bit of company. She turned to the boy.

“We are going to be married as soon as he is strong again,” she said, simply. “What is your name? I’m Aurora and this is Quentin,” she said.

guess since this is the officially the first real entry I'm recording, i should start by talking about myself a little... where should I start?

Strange how I feel so lost for words when there is so much that I wish to say. It is often this way whenever I begin to write... guess I'm too impatient and can't wait to get into the flow. Anyway, most of what I will be putting into this diary will be basic in nature, but honest. Truly, that is all I can promise... to be honest. As I said earlier, I'm just like everyone else, still searching for my identity and my life's purpose. I have no intention of being opinionated, judgemental, or anything like that. Most of the stuff in here will be essays, records of events in my life, poems, songs, what-not.,etc.There is nothing in here that is intended to make points or argue with something... just my emotions, thoughts, work and so on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not trying to hide anything... I wish to be heard... I'm looking for my voice and I want to experiment. If you happen to read any of this, don't be close-minded or biased... It's just somebody's life in progress. Don't post rotten comments or anything... if you wish to tell me something, email me. cheers.

guess since this is the officially the first real entry I'm recording, i should start by talking about myself a little... where should I start?

Strange how I feel so lost for words when there is so much that I wish to say. It is often this way whenever I begin to write... guess I'm too impatient and can't wait to get into the flow. Anyway, most of what I will be putting into this diary will be basic in nature, but honest. Truly, that is all I can promise... to be honest. As I said earlier, I'm just like everyone else, still searching for my identity and my life's purpose. I have no intention of being opinionated, judgemental, or anything like that. Most of the stuff in here will be essays, records of events in my life, poems, songs, what-not.,etc.There is nothing in here that is intended to make points or argue with something... just my emotions, thoughts, work and so on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not trying to hide anything... I wish to be heard... I'm looking for my voice and I want to experiment. If you happen to read any of this, don't be close-minded or biased... It's just somebody's life in progress. Don't post rotten comments or anything... if you wish to tell me something, email me. cheers.

hey...guys....this is my new web page...i've moved from the old one...it was inevitable since the previous one was just a test for me... this is a lot better... so...
Well, if you'd like to view the stuff on the older website, go here...

Well, i'm transferring the old stuff here anyway, so you don't need to go to the old one if you don't want to.

This is just a test... me here. That's right ...testing this online diary thing out... obviously this is my first time... my writings will get better... i hope. haha... cheers.