I just wanted yo to know how eveything is beginning to look bad,
that i don't really know if it's just me or am i really going mad,
it's like eveything i do ends up with failure and all i can do is draw another fag,
Living with hope that soon this will be over and soon I'll be dead
This is so pathetic, I know, it's probably gonna make you sad,
i just want you to know man, that you're the best friend that i ever had,
then again, my life's so fucked up, you're the only friend I ever had,
cause everyone else just seemed content to putting me down so damn bad,
well, i remmeber a lot of the stuff we used to, the things i'll never forget,
you're my homey, man, and nothing is ever going to change that.

chorus
These cold dark days, they keep on coming,
and i just can't seem to stop dreaming,
it's my only release from these thing called living,
where are you now, I'm still waiting.

hey, now, do you remember back then who we were and the stuff we used to do together?
and how we took our lives into our own hands and didn't give a shit about any other,
we never did care much about what they said or even if they lost their tether,
just like all the times my dad spent fuckin up our cash and beatin up on my mother,
we used to be so happy back then when we were young and things were so much better,
but now i know the consequence of ignorance as all my problems pile up all together,
i plead you, beg you, please come back and help me out of here,
cause I can take it no more, only you can make it better...

chorus

Bridge,
These days won't let me live,
and all my thoughs are so troubled,
I've nothing left to live for now
I'll take our memories to my grave

chorus

I barricade myself from these hopelessness and trouble,
on my mind it eats me up from all the way deep inside,
i cannot sleep tonight my dreams are all so troubled,
and everybody simply wants to push me back and start a fight,
though i never even wanted to be another rogue without a cause,
but then that's all i get to be in this muddle that we call life,
so tell me now is this the way that i must go on living?
when all around me everyone only care about dying...

Tell me now,
is this the answer to all our prayers,
Tell me now,
is there no way out of this endless fire
And tell me now,
where do i go to find my freedom?

Everyone i know they keep stepping on my back and using me without a care,
without fear that for once i might just decide to push right back,
even if it causes me to gain another wound on my battered soul,
It's just another hard-earned scar, in a body marred by internal wounds.
And do I have to look so far to see my hope and a way out of all of this,
Can't you come into my life, save me now and give me release,
from all of this .................

So, why don't you,
Tell me now.............

Cause all i want is release,
all i want is to be free,
all i want is to live free,
and now i want to die free!!!!!

tell me now,
..............

I'm scared... maybe terrified. My life is beginning to unravel and fall apart, and i feel like the ground underneath me is dissipating....like I'm standing on thin ice and below me is an endless dark well of dark murky void. Slowly, my sense of personal security is deteriorating and my future is filled with so much uncertainty. I'm being forced to face problems that i've never faced before and also to make decisions that will alter my life forever...in quick succesion. My mind is never at peace, except when I'm in Allry's arms, and my thoughts are full of dread and fear. What hope is left I don't know but it is all that is keeping from going insane or worse.

I'm afraid. And I feel so alone. I hyave friends...but I don't know if they'll ever understand what I'm going through, even if in my heart I know they will try their best. All my hope now lies with Allry and our love. We have been through a lot together and always our love has kept us safe and guided us. But things are getting worse now, and the problems we are facing are not singular but a multitude. I'm not losing my faith in our love... that will never happen. I'm just worried about the kind of decisions that we'll be forced to make soon. And I'm worried that Allry might get hurt somehow and that's something that I will never be able to stand.

I'm terrified.

Yeah, way to begin the first day of the new semester... hell, it was exhausting. Add that to the fact that there will be a test tomorrow, and you have one terribly hectic week ahead. Don't really know if it is that bad a thing...in fact, it is quite useful. This means that I get to shift right into top gear without any delays. This suits me perfectly. My only worry is the lack of time i have to do all the other things that I really need to do, like practice my guitar, writing my new book, posting my entries here... and so on...not to forget my debating. I have much to do in a rather limited time period. This is something that I'm not really accustomed to, but then again there is always a first time.

I guess it was slightly immature of me for hoping that the events of the past month would just die down and never be re-invoked. I feel hurt and betrayed by some of the things that have been said to me, yet I have none to tell it to. I am in this mess, though I have never wanted it nor asked for it. Others pushed me unfairly into this situation and have now left me to fight on my own. It does not end there. Now, I am being cruelly judged and thought of as a fool, with my judgement being given no value whatsoever. All I wish is to get on with my life and continue with the work I was doing. There is so much more stuff that I dream of doing now and am willing to work hard for. All I want is for this bad memories to be driven back and never be recalled again.

I feel so hurt. But I wont back down anymore. I must continue with what I am doing and see it through. This has been a very good week, if a bit tiring, and mostly due to the level of commitment I have invested into it. I have just got to keep doing it and hope that everything turns out fine. All I have now is the very thing that has been my guiding lght throughout my life. The one thing that has never let go of me and will always be part of me. The one thing that I can always rely on. It has always been enough and it will always be enough.

So often I feel like I'm trapped in a place I don't belong. I keep getting the feeling that I am just too different to be part of my family. I don't know how I got this way...just that I did. I no longer share the same values and ideals that my parents have... which leads to a lot of complications in my life.

Its hard for me to give priority to my future success and all that, because i am simply not that type of person. I don't know for sure... but my heart tells me that there is much more to life than just striving to earn and be successful. My parents don't care about all that...in fact they are afraid of it. They fear that I'm corrupt and in the wrong path for thinking that money and success does not matter.... they fear that I will dissappoint them.

Somehow, they can't understand that it is important for me to continue doing what I love to do...even if it means i have to struggle a little. I might not become rich and famous, but I'll be happy as long as I continue doing that which makes me happy, and I'm with the ones I care for most of all.

How does one think about self-progress when there is so much pain and suffering in this world? There is so much of wrongs that are being done...and there is nothing to stop it. I feel burdened somewhat and can never be satisfied until at least I've given my best shot.

2004-01-07 - 10:46 p.m.

NO ONE HAS A MONOPOLY ON THE TRUTH WHEN IT COMES TO SPIRITUALITY


THE ONLY THING THAT IS OBSCENE IS THIS WORLD ARE PEOPLE WHO TELL US WHAT IS OBSCENE


FIGHTING FOR PEACE IS LIKE FUCKING FOR VIRGINITY


FUCK ALL YOU RELIGIOUS PREACHERS!!!!!!