Contemplate

Whenever we have a good thing in our lives, it is probably a good idea to try and hold on to it. A bad idea would be to fuck it up. But, we are who we are, and for some reason, we love to screw things up in our lives… even though it was the best thing that happened to us. We fall in love, discover that we have found the perfect person to be with, and then a couple of months later we decide for some petty, minuscule reason that we are angry at them. Then we do what we do best; fuck things up. Really bad.

We love chaos, we love living a mess… dysfunctional is the normal state of human life, it seems. If we had one good thing, we would probably be too blind to notice it anyway. We would just fuck it up.

Maybe that is just the price of the so called freedom that we so treasure… maybe it is just the result of our precious individual rights…

“It is my life, so I can fuck it up however the fuck I want, so what the hell are you looking at, asshole?”

“It would be incredibly stupid for me not to see a good thing for what it is and learn to not ask stupid questions. Being as selfish as I am, though, I need to know if this thing will last, I need to know everything about it; I need to know that it will be loyal, and that my trust will not be messed with. I need to know, without compromise, that I am the centre of attention and my feelings come first. I have expectations, and needs, and those come first. If you are not able to fulfill these, then please, I don’t want you”.

“Or so I think.”

"What if you are the only thing that can make me whole, for once, and not this mess of emotions, confusions, and mixed-up priorities? If I can’t even recognize you for being the one possible thing that might be able to fix me, do I even deserve you? Do I deserve to be fixed, when all I do is ignore everything except my own self-gratification? Do I deserve a chance to be saved?"

"Probably not… bottom-line, I’m a fucking idiot, and I can’t tell something good when it’s thrown right in front of me. I am dysfunctional. I’m a fucking mess. I don’t want to ‘work’ on anything… relationships either work or they don’t… I don’t bother with fucking building and working through relationships… that’s for losers. I deserve my right to be happy… I want a relationship with someone compatible… we should click from the start, there should be chemistry, intimacy… well, fuck that, I’m never going to have THAT."

"Truth is, I am like you, like every one of you… just fucked up… all I’m ever good at is fucking up the few good things that I have in my life because I just can’t fucking help it. I like it that way. Instant gratification. I don’t care if it’s material or superficial, or sexual, I want it now, I expect it, and if you can’t give it to me, then fuck you."

"You want to laugh at me? You want to fucking judge me? Call me a moron? A loser of epic proportions?"

You any different?