The Staley Illini Grove, University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign

I am of the night,

Not of darkness but of starlight

Silver streams crystal bright

Sheds down brilliant light

Wind echoes her haunting voice

Memory and dream awash inside

History and future and more besides

Only here, only now, nothing more

Speak, dear Mother, calm my soul,

Quell this raging fear of loneliness

Embrace me with your solitude

Let me into your arms again

The protector, the guardian,

Defender of faith and love,

Solid as stone, gentle as wind,

Never fading, never alone

After twenty two years in Malaysia, I am about to leave for a long spell. Interestingly enough, Malaysia is about to turn 50.  After 15 years of local education, I am off to a prestigious American university. For most of us, that would indicate individual talent and effort, but not for me. A little bit of individual effort, maybe, but, much more than anything else, it is luck and opportunity; luck and opportunity that came strolling down my way because this is Malaysia.

A lot of people get the same opportunities in their own countries.  Nevertheless, there are so many others for whom basic education is a faraway dream; not through any fault of their own, but simply because they were born in the wrong place at the wrong time. Success can be attained through surviving severe hardship, but the roles of chance and luck can never be downplayed. Who we are is more a consequence of our environment than any individual talent. This is not to say that talent is unimportant. It is to remind us to always be aware and grateful for the opportunities we are given.

For much of my life, I have been trying to find my own feet. It is a long search for direction, learning and redefining values, and trying to make sense of everything; similar to what we are going through as a nation. We are young and still naïve, making up for what we lack in true humanitarian heritage with a willingness to grow. Finding one’s feet in an overwhelming world depends on a person’s capacity for introspection and openness to life’s lessons. For so long we have been looking for a unique sense of identity and purpose, for something more than just a patched-up, sanitized, put-together version of other people’s dreams. Our mistakes are plentiful, but they are the best ways of gaining maturity, IF we are willing to learn from them.

It is easy to imagine a certain kind of future or a certain kind of ideality and call it a Vision. As wonderful as that vision might be, it is still nothing more than someone else’s dream. It is what others regard as an ideal world. Its validity aside, we should instead try and find our own purpose, direction and vision. Not just as a nation, but as individuals, regardless of gender, race, age or class. Just as an individual discovers that true ambition is something that only experience, introspection and wisdom can reveal, so should we, as a society, realize that only by taking a deep look at ourselves and questioning every single value that we hold dear can we truly find a vision that is worth following; not one forged by the wonders of business and technology, but one formed by the benevolence of our sentience and our collective conscience.

My life is about trying to find my own feet and following them. The question now is can we help our nation find its feet.

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Addicted

If a person could somehow find a way to go back in time to various points in her life, and see if there were ways to do things differently, it would be, well, to put it ridiculously obviously, incredible.

While it is somewhat comforting to live in the knowledge that it is through mistakes that we learn best, I still cannot ignore the longing to retrace my steps back to certain points in my life when I had made some really bad decisions and ..errmm.. unmade them. You would probably be laughing thinking that I should grow up and face my decisions, but can you honestly tell me that you have not wished the same with your own life?

No, the simple truth is that we have that longing. There are a lot of things I have done that I wish I had not. Mistakes, inaction, indecision, bad calls, bad judgments...I can safely say that most of those were due to ignorance on my part. I suppose, to a certain extent, that those mistakes are forgivable, because I simply did not know better than. After all, hindsight is a ridiculous thing to be harping about. All that a person can do given this situation is hope to learn something new about the way things work, and about themselves as well.

There are other mistakes that I cannot pin on ignorance. Mistakes that are much more harder to swallow. it is something more akin to addiction; you know that it is wrong, but you still do it anyway. An addiction is never an excuse, it is an act that we are completely aware of... we know the damage it causes, the heavy price it carries. Our conscience bears the guilt and that guilt will continue getting heavier the longer we go on.

Those are the kind of mistakes that can really get to a person, drive them to extreme measures.

We would love to think that those are the kind of problems that other people might have. Alcohol addiction is something the fat dude next door who beats his kid does, or the lady who is almost always drunk and sleeps around. Smoking is something that ass of a boss does all day in his office, when he is not busy pushing others around. Drugs? Well, those would be the people that you want your kids to stay away from, because, after all, your angelic kids would never run with that crowd, would they?

Here is an unfortunate reality check; we all have that problem. Whether we like it or not, we each have that tendency to falter to a particular urge that we might call an addiction. It really could be anything, from something as innocent as ice-cream at night to something not so innocent such as porn addiction. It could even be something insidious, such as the tendency to screw up relationships for inexplicable reasons. We just cannot help but say things that would make our loved ones angry. It sounds weird, but it happens. Why else would people have affairs simply so they can come back and pick fights?

I have been down this road a little too many times for my liking. Doing things that I know I should not be doing, especially involving others. Sometimes, I wonder how it is that I am capable of such acts, despite the fact that I am totally aware of what the consequences are. Socrates would probably say that it might be something hidden deep inside me that I am not willing to face yet, even though I should... repressed memories, so to speak. That would be the reason that many people suggest to explain why we do these things. Try as I might,I have not been able to pin down anything in my past that could explain things or shed some light.

As with any addiction, especially those that we are aware of, the only way is to somehow drag ourselves to say no. Sadly, there is no shortcut, or noble, introspective solution here... because we already know what is there to be known. We already know it is wrong. We just have to stop doing it. I am trying as hard as I can, and so far, it has been a decent effort. But so far is the operational concept. it is definitely something that needs a lot of effort and will-power.

However, the key is very clear. It might not be easy to overcome an addiction, but at the very core of it, we MUST WANT to overcome it. We know that something is wrong, we know that we should try to do the right thing, but the only thing that matters is that we want to do the right thing. Only then can we even start working on our issues. That is the first step.. and, as cliche as it may sound, that first step is always the most important and the hardest.

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Sell-Outs

Sometimes, it is important to realize that things that need to be said must be said. It is not simply enough to want success and respect; these are things that need to be earned. If a writer wants her book to be important, she has to first be honest with herself and be certain with her intent and motivations. A musician who seeks to compose a meaningful song has to search within himself and find what he seeks, and not make excuses of lack of time or acceptance. Anyone who seeks to make a difference has to first and foremost come to terms with themselves.

Only then can whatever pursuit they embark upon truly have an impact.

Too much of or time and effort is wasted because of needless, unnecessary and ultimately harmful compromises. Compromise is only useful in relationships; even more so in politics. Not while doing what we love. An author cannot make compromises with her material; it is her prerogative to say what she wishes to say, exactly how she would like it to be said. A reporter has a duty and responsibility to report the truth; all else comes second. If a message is there to be said, and whoever is aware of that message feels that it should be passed on, then it is important that they do so, without being pressured into silence or censorship, regardless of the nature of the content.

A message may be offensive, obscene, prejudiced or malicious; but it is only a message. The important thing is our own maturity when such messages are made available. The person who exposes such information actively took the decision to do so, perhaps feeling it was their responsibility to do so. They made that choice and they must be mature enough to take responsibility for it. Just the same, for the rest of us who receive that information, we should be mature enough to judge that message for what it is, and not for anything else. By doing so, we should always look at ourselves, if that message does indeed make us feel offended or shocked; not just be quick to blame the source of the message.

If someone were to write a book on the importance of homosexuality, and publish it for the general public, they should not be harassed for it. Most of us know that it would be wrong to judge that person and punish them; most of us know that it is within their rights and that what that author is doing might actually help certain groups of people. We know this. We also know that knowledge alone is not sufficient, because that kind of unfair judgment and punishment still happens. That kind of tyrannical silencing still happens.

We do hide behind the supposed ‘needs’ of society. We should not say or do certain things that might disturb the peace, or ‘upset the natives’ so to speak. The flaw here is plain to see; the assumption is that the natives are backward and immature, that even the slightest mention of anything controversial would give rise to trouble. Whether or not this is true is not the point; the fact that by making this assumption in the first place actually perpetuates the situation. The ‘common folk’ WILL become immature and stupid an ignorant if we are constantly sheltered and protected. There is no need to point out just how shallow a lot of us have become because of this.

Why do our musicians beg for support and fail to get any substantial audience? Why do our authors fail to reach any relevant public attention? Is it because they are not good enough? Or is it because that they simply are not being allowed to say what they need to be saying? Perhaps it is a bit of both. We accuse people of selling out whenever they seem to be simply pandering to the masses and not being honest. If this is the case, than it seems we are nothing more than a society full of sell-outs; never being brave enough to say what we KNOW should be said, yet still desperate for attention and success.

We should never blame authority for being suppressed or silence. It is our own fault.